A Hamptons Horror Show

The book, available locally at BookHampton, or at Amazon — including a Kindle edition — is flying off the shelves
“The Hamptons Real Estate Horror Show” offers up true stories of rentals and sales and is penned by two anonymous brokers with a combined half-century of South Fork real estate experience. Judith Long

   “Hi, I’m calling from the real estate agency to see if you have rented your house yet for August.”
   “No, I haven’t. Your office is in the village, right?”
   “Yes, it is. Why?”
   “Would you do me a favor? Would you go to Citarella and get me a half-pound of flounder?”


    The above represents just one out of many jaw-droppingly, astonishingly stupid and funny anecdotes included in a new book, “The Hamptons Real Estate Horror Show,” penned, perhaps understandably, by Anonymous Times Two.
    “We have a combined half-century of experience in real estate,” Anon One said during a clandestine rendezvous at a secret location.
    “We met at an open house,” said Anon Two, who then added nostalgically, “I was a bitch.”
    “No,” said Anon One. “I liked you as soon as I met you.”

   After a couple from Manhattan has viewed 10 houses for sale (one of which they swooned over and stayed in for over an hour), they get in their car and head back to the city. Somewhere between Manorville and Manhattan, they call me.
“Now that you know what we like,” they say, “we know you’ll call us when you find it.”


    “We’ve been astounded by these people, astounded,” said Anon One. “We had material galore.” Why anonymous? The pair exchanged a knowing glance. “We decided that we might want to stay in the business,” Anon Two admitted.
    Some of the anecdotes come from other brokers, but most are from personal experience, and all of them, the duo emphasized, are true.
    “The hardest part of real estate is to be nice and helpful to these wackos,” said Anon Two. “They want what they want when they want it,” Anon One said. “You can work with someone for three years, but if they come in on your day off to make a deal, you lose the commission.”

   “My wife was awakened at five-thirty this morning by the birds!”
   “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, but what would you like me to do?”
   “Have them eliminated.”


    “It’s like no other place in the world, this area. Out here, real estate is a hobby,” said Anon One.
    “It’s an addiction,” added Anon Two. “This isn’t how it is in the Midwest. When I first got into real estate out here, I was mortified. It was like being a used car salesman; I didn’t want anyone to know what I did for a living. Now,” she said, “if you say you’re in real estate, everyone has a question for you. It’s the topic of conversation at every party.”
    “ ‘How much is my house worth?’ is the number-one question,” said Anon One. “Houses here aren’t homes, at least not for the rich. They’re just stock, to be bought and sold and traded.”
    The book, available locally at BookHampton, or at Amazon — including a Kindle edition — is flying off the shelves. “Word is out in the real estate world,” Anon Two said with a chuckle. “Everyone wants to see if they can figure out who wrote it. And no one thinks it’s us.”
    The two feel strongly about maintaining their anonymity, especially with a continued wealth of material. “We could write endless sequels,” said Anon One. “It never stops. There will never be a shortage of obnoxious people out here.”
    Anon Two expressed a somewhat secret hope that the book might be picked up for a TV series. “It’s ready-made for television,” she said.
    In the meantime, buyers, renters, sellers, and brokers can peruse the pages of “The Hamptons Real Estate Horror Show” and wonder if the broad caricatures depicted therein are reminiscent of someone they see when they look in the mirror.


Comments

As a home owner who rents, as well as trying to sell, I have tons of equaling horrorific stories too add to the second installment of yet another woeful tale of the Eastend. But many of my stories include the horror stories of brokers who are as obnoxious as thoses buyers and renters that Anon One and Two write about. It's best to do a good job first before ratting out those people who pay your salaries. What would you do without us. Signed, Anon Three
Obviously, this is just another version of "The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." People like to read about the elitists who are used to having things their own way, and the family fortune to enforce it. The book will play into the hunger for vicarious pursuits by those who enjoy reading about the eccentricities of the idle rich. After all, if you can't bask in the glow of outrageous fortune, you may have to settle for every opportunity to laugh at those who can.
As someone who just went through the process I have to agree with Anon Three - it took six months to find my second home but in that short time I could write a book about the numerous horror stories dealing with Hampton brokers...from releasing private seller information to bold faced lies some of these people stop at nothing to make a commission.
Recently.. A record Exec rented a home for a few weeks and had called the other day and said. My Groceries are being delivered at 4, can you be there to get them.. Then I need to have my rental car picked up and waiting for me at the house..Yes true!! An Agent... Answer,, here is the name of a Concergie company that can arrange all that... 1 week later, 1 week before the rentals starts. Our plans have changed and we will not be able to use 3 weeks of the rental, can you get us a refund!!! Can't wait until they arrive this Friday.. Note to self --- Phone Turned OfF!!!