Relay: Call It Fat Friday

We are a nation of gullible fools. We swallow everything advertisers tell us to. Not only are they telling us to shop tomorrow on “Black Friday,” but they also want us to participate in “Cyber Monday” by shopping online. I say we ignore the mind-control tactics they use and spend the day eating leftovers instead of shopping. We could call it “Fat Friday” instead.
    Hey, I’m all for shopping. In fact, I’m pretty good at it. But driving UpIsland, fighting crowds, and traipsing through overheated stores is not how I want to spend my holiday weekend. I want to eat, drink, and be merry!
    And speaking of merry, I also don’t like how the retailers now make people work on Thanksgiving. Some stores open their doors at midnight, so the poor employees can’t even get a holiday buzz on.
    It took me quite a few years to learn how advertisers work, and until then I fell for every line they fed me. The expensive face cream that would halt the aging process — I bought it. The cereal that would make me lose weight — I bought it. And those 100-calorie cookie packs — I bought them, and always eat more than one at a time.
    The television commercials are the worst, especially the one in which they target older men with a little blue pill that once swallowed will allow you to fornicate for up to four hours. Please! Unless you’re just dating or newlyweds that doesn’t happen in real life. I mean, c’mon, there’s laundry to be done, dishes to wash, dogs to be walked, and floors to be vacuumed. Who has time to lie around in bed all day?
    Swallow the pill and your wife is suddenly in her 20s again and 15 pounds lighter. Swallow the pill, and you’ll have sex whenever the mood strikes, even if it’s just as your wife is setting the turkey down on the table.
    If we believed the commercial, my husband, who by the way does not take the little blue pill, would get turned on watching me sweat over a hot stove with my hair piled in a rat’s nest on top of my head. With a look of pride upon my face, I would set the poultry platter down, sweat dripping from my body, and he’d give me the look.
    Secretly I’d think, “Damn, he’s been into those pills again.” But if we were being filmed I’d have to say, “Excuse me kids, Daddy’s in the mood. We’ll be back in four hours.”
    I love turkey. I’ll be starting Fat Friday with a turkey sandwich on white bread with mayo, lettuce, and salt and pepper. My mid-morning snack will be a brownie. For lunch I’ll eat a turkey wing that I’ve hidden from everybody else in my bottom crisper drawer with a side of celery, radishes, and black olives.
    My mid-afternoon snack will be a slice of pumpkin pie with a dollop of whipped cream. And if there are any of my famed stuffed mushrooms left, I’ll tuck them away too during Fat Friday. For dinner we’ll have turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and turnips heated up in gravy on top of the stove. For dessert it will be more pie with a serving of vanilla ice cream on the side. Fat Friday, indeed. We’ll show them.

    Janis Hewitt is a senior writer at The Star.