Relay: A Drone-Free Zone, Please

Something must be done to stop these computer geeks who keep coming up with the technical ideas that are slowly ruining the human race and pushing us out of jobs

    Dear Santa,

    Please say it isn’t true. Assure us that you and your reindeer-driven sleigh will not be replaced by octocoptor drones dropping packages down our chimneys. We’d miss your rosy red cheeks, long white beard, and belly that shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly. Will we soon have to leave batteries out for you instead of cookies on Christmas Eve?

    Something must be done to stop these computer geeks who keep coming up with the technical ideas that are slowly ruining the human race and pushing us out of jobs. When Jeff Bozo, I mean Bezos, the C.E.O. of Amazon, announced the company’s latest plan to make more money by creating flying drones that could deliver packages, I couldn’t help but wonder if these uber-rich 1-percenters of the human population realize what they’re doing to us by replacing jobs done by real people with their latest toys.

    But then I realized, Santa, that you, too, could soon be a goner. And that was thelast straw. I realized it was time for me to get up on my bully pulpit.

    So what, now we’ll have no more U.P.S. guys? C’mon, some of them with their cute little shorts are a welcoming knock on the door. Checkout people in quite a few of the big stores are already gone, replaced by computerized scanners, and though some of them weren’t the nicest people, it was still better than trying to swipe a code that is often hard to find. And the poor bookstore owners. Well, they’ve been dropping like drones for the last few years anyway.

    Though I love my little computer, its family members have been wreaking havoc on the entire world. The post office is suffering, banks are closing, and television viewing is costing as much as a mortgage payment. And the powers that be are wondering why we haven’t come out of the recession. There’s hardly any jobs left for real people to do, that’s why.

    Boy, did the creator of “The Jetsons” have foresight or what? Can you imagine how many accidents will be caused by drones flying through the air? At times, highly trained air-traffic controllers can’t even keep everything straight. And then there are the crazies who will think it’s funny to shoot at the flying drones, which will also make perfect target practice. We’ll have shotgun blasts coming from every which way.

    I’m sure robots will be the next big thing. They’ll clean our houses, stock store shelves, walk up to our tables in restaurants, menus posted on their bellies, and we’ll have to punch in what we want to order. Once restaurant workers are no longer needed, then the economy will really nosedive.

    And when the robot malfunctions, then what? There’ll be no waitstaff, and the restaurants will have to close. We’ll all be digging through Dumpsters searching for a meal. Well, not all of us, the 1-percenters will be the only ones with enough money to buy real food.

    And so, Santa, I’m asking for your help. My wish for Christmas is for those in the tech world to take a minute and realize what they’re doing to us. All I’m asking for, Santa, is for you to help save the human race; some of us are really worth saving.

    And while you’re still around a little cash in my stocking would be nice too.


    Janis Hewitt is a senior writer for The Star.