If you were to sit in the back seat of my car or hitch a ride in my pocket, you would hear me composing rules like Gibbs does on “NCIS.” Naturally, because they are mine, they are less terse than his. Maybe they are suggestions and disgruntlements rather than rules, but I like “NCIS,” and if I can channel Gibbs, why not? Another favorite, Melissa Harris Perry on MSNBC, reads (on air) a letter to someone to whom she would like to make a point. She also inspires me. Herewith:
Why don’t you think to towel off after your workout and before entering a crowded food store? Nobody wants your DNA on their lettuce.
When going to a restaurant in flip flops, (ugh) please consider the people who have to look at your toes while eating their meal. If you wouldn’t want to look at your own feet, why would anyone else?
Please remember not to pass on the right. The waves can wait.
Please don’t pass four cars on the double yellow on the Napeague stretch. You are making me nervous.
The painted zebra lines are not parking places.
Please do not park your Hummer in the small car lot.
Please be aware that the little wand on the left of the steering column is a device to indicate to other drivers your intention to turn either left or right. Push it up if you want to go right, push it down if you want to go left. The little sound you hear is not the rhythm section for your loud music and it is not a metronome. When it is ticking, the people behind you think you are about to turn. Don’t confuse others.
If you are lost, pull over and then take out your phone, not before.
Please remember that you can turn right on a red light unless otherwise admonished by a sign. The honking you hear, as you linger, is the folks who live here. Clearly you do not.
Another, unrelated, but exasperating piece of information: Your nearly new washers and dryers and fridges are considered “throw-away.” If something goes wrong, they are considered too expensive to fix and are really only expected to last three years. Outrageous.
Reminder: Walking barefoot on the beach can burn the soles of your feet halfway to the water.
Reminder: Walking barefoot on grass can get you a tick between your toes, and worse.
A hole dug in the sand and abandoned is a broken bone for someone who steps in it at dusk.
Reminder: Wear sunscreen (because if you don’t, you will be really sorry later).
Stay hydrated and know where the public privies are. You will be glad.
Capture escapee balloons when you see them — they are hazards to sea life and birdlife and creepy to encounter in the water (think Portuguese man-of-war). Puncture your own balloons when the festivities are over and cut the plastic loops that hold six-packs together. You will be setting a good example for those around you.
It is summer and it is hot and we can see that you are really pregnant and proud of your “baby bump,” but does the world really need to see the bump of your belly button? Think Kate Middleton, please.
Howdy neighbor, I realize you think I might enjoy your taste in trance music in the middle of the afternoon, but it is drowning out the harpsichord.
If the garbage cans at the beach are full, why not consider taking your trash back to where it came from — your house?
Smoking cigars is your right, but if you like it so much why not roll up the windows, turn on the air-conditioning, and really take it all in, instead of making the beach smell like your ashtray.
Wondering: Why would anyone want to jaywalk slowly?
Please don’t feed the ducks and swans bread so hard you would not feed it to your grannie. Ducks and geese do not have teeth either.
Reminder: The big, annoying, ugly (and badly designed) signs that prevent a clear view of the ocean from a parked car are creating jobs for someone, somewhere overseas.
Enjoy the scenic views if you can, and have a nice summer.
Durell Godfrey is a contributing photographer for The Star