I think I’ve finally made my fortune: I’ve come up with an anti-raging pill that preliminary tests have shown lasts a full 48 hours.
There are, of course, some side effects, none really serious like death, though if you remain inordinately compassionate for more than the prescribed length of time you might consider calling a doctor.
Simply pop a Graves Saves (tm) anti-raging pill in capsule form as you cross the Shinnecock Canal, and you will be amazed by the well of fellow feeling that arises within. Traffic tie-ups that would have had you blowing a gasket and giving other drivers the finger in the past are almost instantly transposed, as you inch along bumper to bumper, into heartfelt inquiries as to their health and welfare and that of their families.
You’ll find — at least our preliminary studies have shown — that your disarming demeanor will become infectious, once, on rolling their windows down in order to flip you the bird, people actually realize that your joy is genuine and not satiric. And we even go so far as to predict that at least some of the friendships you strike up as you’re bottled up along Route 27 will last.
You might argue that the Graves Saves (tm) pledge of human decency is at variance with reality, or, at least, with the reality extant in this country in which you hear “I’ve got mine” far more often than you hear “Hope you’re fine.”
Don’t get us wrong: We don’t want to go overboard. The meek, as we all know, ain’t likely to inherit the earth anytime soon. That’s why we’ve limited the dosage to just 48 hours, just to get you through a weekend in the Cramped Hamptons. On long weekends, of course, you’ll have to double up.
But, as we’ve said above, should your periods of civility last beyond the stated period, have a loved one slap some sense into you, or, that failing, call our hot line, where we have extremely discourteous round-the-clock assistants who will call you every name in the book so that you can get your heart rate back to normal.
And, remember, the next time you’re steaming, take Graves Saves (tm) and you’ll be beaming!
Use responsibly, and, who knows, we may become the Reunited States of America.