Don’t Save the Date

By Bette-Jane Raphael

    The following is a list of upcoming events that, due to unforeseen circumstances, may or may not happen.

This Week
    A benefit for the families of those lost at sea will be held at the New York Yacht Club on Sunday night. The scheduled after-dinner speaker is the actor Alec Baldwin, who has said that he feels a special connection to the charitable organization, Friends of Jonah, which is sponsoring the event, because his great-great-uncle was a waiter on the Titanic.

    Mr. Baldwin has often spoken of his own brush with a watery grave, telling of how he once got soaking wet in a sudden downpour at a beach party in East Hampton at high tide.

Next Week
    HBO Home Video is set to release Alec Baldwin’s “From Fat to Fit,” in which the actor demonstrates his muscle-strengthening exercises, such as high kicks adapted from the Rockettes’ “March of the Wooden Soldiers.” Mr. Baldwin devised a complete fitness program for himself while watching the dailies of “It’s Complicated.” After losing his court battle to have the film shelved, the actor began making simple changes in his lifestyle. Now, all of his contracts stipulate that he cannot be compelled to play a scene that calls for him to eat osso buco.

    And to ensure that he keeps in shape, he has signed on to play Tony Curtis’s role in a remake of “Trapeze,” which will require him to do a triple summersault without a net. Mr. Baldwin advises his viewers to follow his example and engage in activities that keep them active, such as dancing the mambo.

Next Month
    A panel discussion at the 92nd Street Y titled “Celebrity Worship and the Declaration of Independence” will be moderated by Alec Baldwin. The panel will discuss, among other things, whether “the pursuit of happiness” is a euphemism for the pursuit of celebrities. Mr. Baldwin will recount the problems he has faced as a result of being famous, including being turned down by the co-op board of a building on Central Park West.

Late Next Month
    Kim Jong-un will receive a visit from a second Hollywood celebrity next month, when Alec Baldwin will spend a night in Pyongyang on his way to Japan to star in a Kabuki version of “Death of a Salesman.” The North Korean leader has let it be known that he admires Mr. Baldwin more than any other leading man except Ryan Gosling. As a bread-and-butter gift for his host, the actor plans to bring a DVD of Mr. Kim’s favorite movie, “Working Girl.”

This Summer
    CBS announced that it will air a new late-night talk show hosted by Alec Baldwin, despite the notorious cancellation of the actor’s MSNBC show due to his angry rant at a photographer who was trying to take pictures of him, his wife, his child, and his doorman. Mr. Baldwin reportedly ran down the street after the man, calling him a “j-rk.” To forestall further incidents, the actor has agreed to spend at least two weeks a year undergoing sunbathing therapy at a Malibu treatment center.

Next Fall
    Rockefeller Center executives disclosed yesterday that the centerpiece of next year’s tree lighting ceremony will be Alec Baldwin reading “The Night Before Christmas” in Latin. The actor was quick to say that although he has immersed himself in the language by visiting the Colosseum, he does not yet read, speak, or recognize it. “The text will be written out phonetically,” he explained, “the way Torah prayers are written out in Reformed synagogues on Yom Kippur.” (Last summer Mr. Baldwin was guest rabbi at Temple B’nai Shalom in Great Neck, Long Island.)

    It should be a busy holiday season for Mr. Baldwin, who is scheduled to join the American Ballet Company for several weeks, dancing the part of the Nutcracker Prince in “The Nutcracker.”

Next Year
    Simon and Schuster says that it plans to publish “Samuel Johnson: A Busy Life,” Alec Baldwin’s 1,000-page biography of the 18th century’s towering man of letters. The book reportedly took Mr. Baldwin four weeks to write. The actor revealed that he has been enthralled by the writings of Dr. Johnson ever since, at the age of 6, he found a copy of “Rasselas” in the playground.

To Be Determined
    The attorney representing Alec Baldwin, who was found guilty of stalking one of his fans, says that he intends to appeal the verdict. During the trial, the lawyer showed news footage of the actor attending the premiere of a new movie in Los Angeles on the same night that the fan claims Mr. Baldwin followed her into the lobby of her apartment building in Astoria, Queens, and forced her to accept an autographed picture of himself.

    The attorney argued that his client could not have been in two places at once and contends that the jury was unduly influenced by a recent rumor that Mr. Baldwin is triplets, only one of whom is retiring from public life.


    Bette-Jane Raphael is a journalist, celebrity groupie, and onetime Amagansett resident.