Relay: The Hamptons In Hollywood!

Madge did not disappoint. No one thought she would show up for an impromptu photo-op on one of the picturesque lanes in the Village of East Hampton last summer.

The rumor circulated among a few of the camera-toting East Hampton inhabitants. Something fun: Hawaiian beach wrap by the seaside — Madge sporting a modest swimsuit. How about a discreet Wiborg Beach visit? Or her posing with the Georgica Beach lifeguards?

No doubt: It could help sell newspapers or get a payment for a lucky freelance photographer of a few hundred dollars from People magazine. It was not envisioned as a racy or naughty photo-op. With wonderful songs to her credit — “Swim,” “Ray of Light,” “Sky Fits Heaven,” “Little Star” — East Hampton types could enjoy their early morning coffee viewing a locally composed image of the star.

Of course, many might not know the star. People living in East Hampton are primarily concerned with other things: children, surviving parents, homes, cars, trucks, tools, roofs on their houses, jobs, themselves, and their pets. Hey, it might be good to listen to her music and examine her varied creative pursuits. Why not let the photo-op happen . . . very quietly.

Movie stars have always visited East Hampton. Often prime-time TV personalities or movie stars announce this supposed fact. Fleeting summer glimpses in newspapers and magazines indicate the presence of movie stars living the dream in East Hampton. Occasionally, TV and movie moguls and stars grace the Hamptons’ summer-season benefit party scene.

The term Hollywood Hamptons popped up not so long ago. Hollywood East is another contemporary saying, whispered with crescendo. Hollywood, Calif., could not be farther astern Long Island! Global location: East Hampton protrudes into the Atlantic Ocean, ending with the Island’s northerly gem, a lighthouse commissioned by George Washington.

Hollywood is in the state of California. East Hampton is in the state of New York. Yet, despite obvious differences, Hollywood loves East Hampton. And there are days when East Hampton rises to the glow of directors shouting, “Action!” Hollywood types are like those uncles so loved by East Hampton families. You know that uncle, the one who vanished to Paris for a year. He only wrote one letter home. He reappears with cases of French wine for the grandparents and teaches the young ’uns things about the world across the pond.

Or maybe Hollywood stars are like your favorite niece, who one day threw all caution to the wind and spent a year on a coconut plantation on Kauai and then showed up as the fit-as-a-fiddle, bikini-clad paid poster child for Coconut Water Inc.

Ever heard of the Hamptons in Hollywood? One day, Hollywood, Calif., may have a Hamptons in Hollywood. The neighborhood would look like this: green Ford F-250s, children, boogie boards, fishing poles, tennis rackets, lots of well-worn toys, clam rakes, Weber grills, grandparents with bottles of red wine, teenagers with firecrackers, bathing suits everywhere, old toboggans (to look gentrified), plastic sleds, toasters in the kitchens, gardening tools, a frazzled mommy or daddy looking for the car keys.

A Hollywood mansion would be set up for East Hampton parties. Those lacking money for party tickets would be given tickets: Think of East Hampton residents partying in the Hamptons in Hollywood! Reciprocal dating also would be inclusive, just like here! Hollywood stars would give East Hampton residents a great neighborhood . . . the sun would shine; hot dogs, fish, and corn would get cooked. All kinds of big box trucks could drive the Hamptons crowd to California. Yeah.

Alec will accompany the East Hampton people on the neighborhood exchange. He has been a favorite out east since he referred to his attractive child as a farm animal. Typical of an Amagansett guy! Everything is referenced in such farm terms throughout Amagansett: “fence over there,” “seen a nice morning,” “I’d love to own a goat someday.” It is a mental condition called Possession by Colonial Farm-ism.

Steven could provide still and moving cameras. Video and photography is a fabulous New England pastime. Photography has a vast regional history!

Star power is essential for the success of the Hamptons in Hollywood. We will need these people to participate: Scarlett and family, the Hiltons, Bill Murray, a Clinton, Harvey W., a Lester, Garry B., Kyra, Michele M., Frankie McGuire, Russell S., Linda Shapiro, Jennifer Lopez, Mick, Kim, and Cameron.

Paul requires longboards and transportation to surf the coast. He can FedEx fish. Charley Jr. said maybe; Charley Sr. said no. Shane said yes! Brondo and Sophie are bringing their new play for entertainment. Morgan Jr. is bringing a large computer; Barbara Joe says yes. Stacey, Kristin, and Becky are checking their appointment books.

The Golden Pear donates apple crumb muffins. Colin’s Seafood Shop brings fish chowder. The former East Hampton town clerk is making his own clam chowder for everyone! Larry is an environmentalist; Stella or James may participate. J. Mitchell says she’s a legal assistant; Jill B., Jean, and Cathy Jones signed up. Howard’s not sure; Kelley said yeah! The owner of the Montauket is sending cooks.

Morgan McGivern is The Star’s staff photographer.