Continuing in the same vein as last week, more excerpts from the “Five Characters in Search of an Editor” reading that Barbara Johnson, Charlotte Markowitz, Arthur Roth, Trevor Kelsall, and I gave at Guild Hall almost 50 years ago — lifted from actual letters written to editors of The Star spanning 1885 and 1973 — follow:
“Since the village authorities and police seem powerless, I appeal to the Village Improvement Society, which has shown such wonderful work in other directions. Whatever the cost, let us have someone at the railway station, the theatre, the beach, and the club, to enforce decency. Let us import special police to enforce order against Halloween depredations. Village improvement is indeed needed!”
“No doubt expediency in headline makeup accounts for the remarkable statement in this week’s Star that the crow is the true ‘harbinger of spring’ — an erroneous statement attributed to me. . . . I suggest a correction partly in the interests of science, partly in behalf of my own reputation for veracity, but mostly to relieve the editor of a spate of hostile and indignant — even threatening — letters! For this is the kind of ‘issue’ which often calls out the widest, most passionate sort of public response, whereas misstatements regarding atomic energy, international relations, price control, etc., will be accepted with magnificent apathy by all but a few poor wretches whom everyone promptly labels ‘crackpots’ for their pains!”
“In regard to the lady who wrote in about raccoons. It is a well-known fact that the raccoon is one of the most nasty animals in the entire animal kingdom. . . . If the raccoon were meant to be lovable, why did God put that bandit mask on his face?”
“Unlit bathrooms!”
“Urine pools on the floor!”
“Flushless toilets!”
“Unlit coaches at night-time!”
“And occasionally in day-time hours!”
“Conductors and train crews riding in heated coaches not available to freezing or uncomfortable passengers!”
“Waterless drinking fountains!”
“Are the above descriptions of third-rate or pre-World War One railroad facilities in Afghanistan or backward Bulgaria? The answer to this is: ‘No.’ They refer to the stinking Long Island Rail Road.”
“The starling is the destroyer of our birds! No bird will feed near them or fight with them. They emit an odor that other birds cannot stand. This nasty thing was brought to this continent in 1886 — about a dozen were let loose on our east coast. Now there are five starlings to one of all other birds added together.”
“Personally, I am strongly opposed to having electric light in the village. There is no reason because a ‘boom’ has struck East Hampton why it should at once be necessary to turn it into a typical up-to-date American village. . . . People have been charmed with East Hampton’s beauty and simplicity, and as surely as you spoil these, which is being done fast, the ‘boom’ will be over and you will have killed the goose that laid the golden eggs.”