Better Left to Tradition

There’s no doubt formality has gone the way of the typewriter, and I have to tell you, I’m sorry to see it go. I write that with the humbleness of one who has flouted convention along with every other flower child and anarchist dating back to 1968. To say I’m not a prude is to put it mildly. I lust after sexy entertainment, have been known to shout out a vulgarity or two, and like to ride fast roller coasters.

But in separating formality from everyday encounters, we’ve blurred relationships and made living more complicated than it used to be.

Witness my visit to a fast-food restaurant. I don’t usually eat fast food, but when I heard a certain establishment was selling a turkey burger, I thought it might be easier to swing by a drive-thru rather than try to make my own after a hard week’s work. After ordering at the speaker box, I approached the window and encountered a busy clerk holding a half-filled soda in one hand and a stack of napkins in the other. She had a sour look until she saw me, immediately perked up, opened the glass window, and said, “Your order will be up shortly, sweetie.”

I wasn’t quite clear that I’d heard correctly. Being of a certain age, illusion and hearing loss often substitute for reality and silence, and some people like it that way. But when the glass doors swung open a second time and she said it again I knew what I’d heard — from someone half my age. She followed up our encounter by waving me through and telling me to “Have a nice day, sweetie.”

I could have excused the fact that it was Friday and she was busy, but not too long after that something similar happened at the bank. This time with a male clerk who looked all of 21.

As he handed me money from a transaction, he blurted out, “Is there anything else I can do for you today, Jill?” and when I said no, he said, “Thanks for your business, Jill,” with a tone that made me think the next words out of his mouth were going to be “And where are we going for dinner tonight?”

Leaving the bank, I got the idea for this essay. I know the world doesn’t stop. It revolves, evolves, and the generation that’s blooming withers, fades, and provides compost for the next crop of flowers.

The fact that I’m no longer in charge is evident in the way I now communicate with my children. We’ve gotten rid of the telephone and replaced it with Facebook and IMing, as in, “IMHO, LU, TTYL.” But as we’ve all found out, mistakes can happen. When I messaged my daughter to tell her we were having potatoes with LOL — as in Land O’ Lakes margarine — she corrected me: LOL means laughing out loud, living on line, and even League of Legends.

I’ve since learned I’m not the only one to misinterpret computer chatter. After all, who can forget when Sarah Palin made the unforgivable faux pas of believing that “WTF” means “winning the future”?

But let’s face it. A line in the sand has to be drawn. When people I don’t know start calling me by my first name, I lose a little bit of the respect I think I’ve earned after living through political assassinations, the Vietnam War, Watergate, 9/11, and more deaths than births in my family. When solicitors call, they often ask, “How are you doing, Jill?” before they pitch me their products. Do they really want to hear about my arthritic hands and sagging skin? I mean anyone can be Jill. But not everyone is Mrs. Evans (though I have to admit I hated being called Mrs. Evans when I was first married, because I’d look around the room for my mother-in-law).

It’s not that I’m crotchety, but informality has gotten out of hand. Everyone would turn and freeze if I addressed the clerk in the bank as “bro” and the girl in the drive-thru as my “BFF.” Even in my most radicalized youth I still addressed my friends’ parents by their surnames.

We live in a casual culture; I admit it. But is everyone I encounter allowed to address me as though I’m their best friend, even as they’re handing me change or inquiring if I have any coupons? No clerk behind a counter asking “How are you?” really wants to know how I am. I reserve my most personal conversations for people who have my shared experiences and those I want to learn from — be they old or young. Everyone fights depersonalization, and no one wants to go unacknowledged, but it’s the form of acknowledgement that’s important.

So, henceforth, I give everyone fair warning. The next time someone I don’t know addresses me by my first name and asks me how I am, I’m going to tell him — right down to my aching ankles — and then I’m going to ask him where we’re going for dinner.

Jill Evans teaches a continuing education class in creative writing at Suffolk Community College. She lives in Patchogue.