Bottom Left Frantically Relaxing

The nurseries are out of Martha's celadon geraniums. Your Range Rover needs new sisal mats. Your life savings are spent, the restaurants are booked. It's only April.

Welcome to another simply grand season in the Hamptons.

With this column, I hope to take you through every up-to-the-minute, excruciatingly timely, must-see-and-do East End experience. Regardless of how many miles I must travel, meals I must eat, benefits I must attend, beaches I must traverse, pick-up lines I must endure, music I must subject my tender ears to, and horse shows I must mince through, I do it all for you, dearest readers, in order that you too can frantically relax in the Hamptons.

So you've spent all your money on a rental in an area the real estate agent told you was called North Hampton but in fact turned out to be a deer-infested, rodent-friendly, architecturally-challenged Bonac fixer-upper artist's dream house on a road called Aquopoxacockabogue Hollow that you can't even find in broad daylight much less after a few refreshing beverages at Club Le Bub. As you are about to embark on a vacation where every sun-soaked, celebrity-ogling, dollar-munching minute counts, trust me, you need guidance.

And I, Pauline Goliard, feel enormously qualified for this task. I can swing a racquet at Devon on Monday and cruise the dump on Tuesday. I will sip Southsides at the Bathing Corporation and flick bottlecaps at Wolfie's. I honk. I'm blond. I'm qualified.

An essential element to survival, nay, enjoyment of a season here is to first of all dress the part. What part you choose to portray is entirely up to you, because you are a summer resident, nobody knows you, and you can fake everybody out. And, if you're spending so much money to be here for a short time, image is everything.

Here are some basic dress codes for you to choose from that fit in very nicely.

One excellent and popular look for women is the pert and sassy tennis skirt ensemble, which can be worn anywhere, anytime. It does, of course, help to have a physically fit body to accompany this outfit. Even better is the full equestrian ensemble. This can be worn by anyone, but, if you do actually ride, it's best to wipe some of the mud off your boots and try to minimize the equine essence on your jodhpurs.

Trust me on this, these two outfits, worn in grocery stores or on Main Street, just drive men mad, mad, mad. They are even more alluring in a mother-daughter combo. But please leave racquets and crops behind. This is somewhat off-putting, not to mention inconvenient when you're trying to juggle your bags from Barefoot Contessa or DKNY and keep your Jack Russell terrier from killing the shih-tzu over by the arugula.

If you are the genuine article you don't have time to read this because you're either preparing for dressage or doing spin control over those rumors about you and the new tennis pro.

Producer-Rocker, or Little Men in Big Cars: This is a high-maintenance image and one that is extremely expensive to fake. You must drive a Jaguar, Mercedes, BMW, or Land Rover. You must have your own Gulfstream IV, wine cellar, and a humidor filled with Cohibas. Your summer residence has a state-of-the-art sound system throughout, and, even if you're only renting, you have bought up all the surrounding properties to insure your privacy.

You only date tall women and always wear a baseball cap. If you are balding, a ponytail compensates nicely. It's good to refer to your best friends only by first names: Barry, Steven, Jann, et al.

You must go only to the best restaurants in town, two nights in a row if need be.

Once again, be cautious about attempting to fake this image. The women you want to attract can smell real money and power a mile away. If they find out you were only a sound engineer on Abba's first album they'll slip into Nick and Toni's powder room and mysteriously never reappear.

The Artist-Writer: There are a lot of artists and writers out here. If you are the real thing, you won't be reading this because you'll either be somewhere drinking with other creative types or working somewhere way out in Springs, all by yourself.

For those of you who wish to achieve the look, it's fairly easy and inexpensive. Try not to bathe or shave for a while (this rule applies to both sexes). Next, get some well-worn overalls and spatter paint all over them, and I really mean all over them. For writers, some baggy, wrinkled chinos with coffee stains are nice. Make sure backside is extra saggy from sitting over the laptop all day.

Name-dropping is good for when you're feeling a little insecure or trying to attract a new patron: "Jackson gave me these overalls right before the accident." "Truman left this Number Two pencil to me in his will."

Bonus hint: Don't go to the Artists-Writers Softball Game to meet real artists and writers. Most of them haven't played for years. The game's name is going to be changed to Actors-Arbitrageurs.

Landed Gentry-Country Club Look: For men, the club-member look is fairly easy. Any jarringly bright colored clothes will do. But not just primary colors. I mean colors you only find in the 64 Crayola box: chartreuse, melon, puce, salmon, and so forth.

An occasional bout of gout is also good to enhance the image of successful living.

The female must always be neat, clean, frosted blond, preferably pretty. Clothing is similar to male club members' but the colors are muted to pastels. Some absolute requirements are diamond stud earrings as large as your husband can afford, and some of those nifty $280 needlepoint ballet slippers or J.P. Tod driving moccasins. Nothing risque, no decollet‚, forget heels.

I would tell you where to shop to achieve this look but Mark, Fore and Strike and Ralph Lauren only sell new clothes. The genuine members of this tribe bought their clothes 20 years ago and haven't replaced them since. If you are the real McCoy, you will never see this column because all you read is The Wall Street Journal or Town and Country's wedding page.

Why anyone from New York City who spent $100,000 for a three-month rental would want to pretend to be a local is beyond me. But I have seen them with my own eyes sidling up to the doughnut bar at Dreesen's on a Saturday morning, buying this newspaper, and talking weather with fishermen who would rather get out on the water. You can achieve this look with any boots and slickers from the J. Peterman catalog. It will cost you a lot more than LaCarrubba's and probably won't last as long, but that's not the goal here.

If you are a Bonacker, you are probably reading this in your pickup truck at Main Beach and your dog is about to eat your Villa Combo if you don't stop laughing.

Pauline Goliard is a resident out-of-towner. She was last seen attempting to look insouciant at the Morgan Rank Gallery. "Frantically Relaxing" will be seen here every two weeks.