Connections: Snips and Snails
Two of my grandsons, one on the cusp of 5 and the other already there, have discovered each other and become fast friends. Although one has been growing up in a small town in Nova Scotia and the other right here, they are peas in a pod — even if they aren’t cut from the same cloth. (Sorry, I’m feeling cliché-ish.)
Ellis is in prekindergarten at the Ross Lower School. Teddy is in kindergarten in a public school in Canada. Ellis is a Bonacker, at least on his father’s side; Teddy, who was born in Ethiopia, has been an American citizen for only three years. They may look different, but their fantasy lives are very much the same.
I am sure it’s not their parents’ fault that they like battling. Ellis will bring his Transformer toys to our house, where Teddy is spending winter vacation, to fight with Teddy’s Lego Legend Beast. Or, they will pick up some handy stick — say, one broom and one cardboard tube from a roll of Christmas wrapping paper — to use as swords. When these games get boring, they will lock arms and yell in one another’s face, or just start running from one end of the house to the other bellowing threats and imprecations. They are boys, with a capital B.
Teddy’s big sister, Nettie, is a 7-year-old girl and fascinated with the rituals of femininity. It almost goes without saying that her favorite colors are pink and purple and that she likes to pick out outfits that match. She begs her mother to buy nail polish and purses. When Nettie and Teddy played school the other day, she put on a pair of my ankle boots then added mascara and donned my eyeglasses to become the teacher.
Nettie’s favorite playmate during the holidays has been her cousin Evvy, Ellis’s 10-year-old sister. Despite the difference in the girls’ age and experience, they share a liking for jewelry and headbands, and are more likely to sit down to draw animals — or pop stars — or do crafts than engage in imaginary warfare.
Some of the kids’ activities do not follow culturally mandated gender roles, it’s true: Nettie and the two 5-year-old warriors all like to play panthers or serpents, for example. Nettie doesn’t particularly like dresses or Disney princesses, and Teddy enjoys watching “Strawberry Shortcake” cartoons. Still, their habits prove to me that gender differences among children at play are real.
Back in the 1970s, when my children were young, we banned toy guns from our house, but they made their own guns out of sliced bread. My daughter played with G.I. Joe. At the time, I think we felt that it would best reflect the spirit of liberation and equality if we all could pretend that boys and girls were born with interests determined by their individuality, not their gender. But attitudes have changed since then. The research shows that although boys and girls develop differently right through adolescence, if they are not forced into stereotypical roles, their individual interests and abilities eventually will win out.
I’m not crazy about the kiddie craze for princesses and all things pink, but I’m not too worried that girls playing stereotypical girl games — and boys beating on one another — means we’ve taken steps backward from equality. After all, it’s 2015, and the next president of the United States may turn out to be a woman.