Low Tidings

Hey guys, I have a neat little quiz for you. What do Frank Gifford, Bill Clinton, and Marv Albert have in common?

Let's see . . . they are all overgrown adolescents with active libidos? Good guess, but not quite what we're looking for. They're all respected public figures in the sports world? No. No one respects Bubba Clinton in the world of sports, because he spent his college career smoking pot instead of playing ball.

Wait, I know! Could it be that all three stand accused of taking a dip in the forbidden waters of womanhood?

Let us dissect the charges. Marv stands accused of biting a woman 15 times (anything over 12 is a felony) and attempting to force her to commit a sexual act that is illegal even between consenting adults in several states.

This one was a shocker, because Marv up until this point has been a very noncontroversial figure, a hard-working announcer who is the voice of the Knicks, the Rangers, NBC Sports, and God only knows what else. Marv broadcasts so many games that none of us has ever heard a game he wasn't broadcasting. Marv, for those of you who don't know, started his career on WLNG doing East Hampton High football, and as far as I know he didn't bite anyone around here, even once.

To put it politely, Giff really got caught with his, er, hand in the cookie jar. This made big news because he is married to Kathie Lee Gifford, who is world famous for having figured out how to employ hundreds of people for 11 cents an hour, thus single-handedly creating the Really, Really Lower Middle Class all by herself. She is also on television a lot, with Regis Philbin, though his hourly wage is a lot more than that - I'd say he's worth a good 16 cents per, from what I've seen of him.

Anyhow, when The Globe reported Giff had a liaison with a buxom blonde in her hotel room, he angrily denied it, just as he did when his wife was accused of exploiting laborers. They threatened to sue The Globe, but, uh-oh, what's this? Yes! Pictures of a man who looked a hell of a lot like Giff in the embrace of a strange woman. Here's how Marv might have broadcast the "event."

Okay, folks, Gifford looks in rare form, and it appears he's well under control of things. He starts his maneuver now. Oh! A brilliant cross-over kiss! Smooth embrace, Giff! Well done. Gifford now moving toward the flank. Uses his left hand . . . now switches to his right . . . fakes up, goes down . . . Yes! A score! A score! We're all tied-up, folks!

I couldn't believe it when the photos came out. My first instinct was that they were fakes. I even went so far as to get a magnifying glass. I took a good, hard look at the gentleman in the compromising positions and when I saw the wrinkles on the neck I knew it was my first idol, the former New York Giants halfback Frank Gifford himself, who apparently played pro ball around the turn of the century, about 81 years before Kathy Lee was born. The best thing is that he was cheating on her with an older woman. How's that for a twist?

Which brings us to Bubba Clinton. You know, that darn Supreme Court. Just because some woman accuses the President of making obscene advances the Court decides he can't use the Presidential office as a shield. Think about all the murders, mayhem, illegal wheeling-dealings, and God only knows what else that may have taken place inside the sanctum of the White House under the guise of Presidential immunity, and then ask yourself if this is fair. I mean, we can plot the assassinations of Latin American dictators without fear of reprisal but we can't even arrange a little tryst for our hard-working leader without everyone getting blown out of shape? What's this world coming to?

Paula Jones is not the only person to accuse Clinton of womanizing. An F.B.I. agent said the Prez routinely uses agents and Secret Service personnel to line up babes for him. Think about it - a young man out of college gets the calling to serve his country, and enrolls in the F.B.I. Months of intensive physical training and psychological testing and probing go by. He becomes an expert in firearms, in self-defense, in the use of sophisticated investigatory techniques like fingerprinting, wiretapping, etc. He then gets assigned to the White House:

Prez: Agent, see that shapely redhead over there? I want you to go tell her the President wants to meet her in his room later.

Agent: Sir, with all due respect, that's not part of my job.

Prez: Okay, run down to Burger King and get me two Whoppers, fries, and a shake and send the Secret Service guy over to the babe.

Anyhow, here's how I think things will shake out: The Prez will reach an undetermined financial settlement with Ms. Jones and she will go away forever more. Either that or he'll direct one of those F.B.I. guys to pretend she is the head of state of some Latin American country, in which case it will be okay to shoot her 47 times.

Marv will have his day in court, call Dennis Rodman as a character witness, and bite the judge 15 times if he's found guilty.

Kathie Lee will cry on the air, pray for Frank's salvation, and end up on a cruise with the entire Green Bay Packers football team, muttering things like "I thought all football players were wrinkled, old fossils" to every guy in the offensive backfield.

A repentant Giff will find God in the underwear of some broad half his age, and everyone ever involved in one of these public tawdry affairs will sue everybody else in civil court for zillions of dollars. Pee Wee Herman's left hand will reach an out-of-court settlement with his right.