Mr. G. On His Knee: 'East End, Stick With Me'

As County Executive Robert J. Gaffney, in his recent State of the County speech, pleaded with East Enders to drop their quest to secede from Suffolk, we suddenly had an image of a man trying to woo back a wife seeking a divorce after years of feeling neglected.

East End: Look, Bob, we've been trying to make this relationship work for years, but let's face it, we're just too different. You've gone suburban, and I'm a country girl at heart.

Mr. Gaffney: But after all I've done for you, how can you just walk out? Look at the money I've spent on you - preserving farmland, buying pine barrens, acquiring open space.

E.E.: I'm not saying it's been all bad. We've had some good times together. But you just don't pay enough attention to me. You're always so wrapped up in your UpIsland affairs. I'm tired of playing second fiddle. I'm going to do what's right for me.

Mr. G.: What do you mean, I don't pay enough attention to you? All I do is pay - millions and millions of dollars for those damn preservation programs you want.

E.E.: Yeah, with my money. That's all you're interested in. If I were from Hempstead instead of the Hamptons, you'd dump me in a second.

Mr. G.: You think it's so simple to walk away. Well, I bet within a few months you'll realize just how much you depend on me and how you can't live without me.

E.E.: Right, I don't know how I'll survive without you and your friends' Southwest Sewer District and other brilliant ideas. I'm sick of being a trophy wife, a rich, pretty appendage you can trot out when it's convenient and ignore when it's not. Well, this trophy is trotting right out of the door.

Mr. G.: Please, please don't go. Look, I've got a new matching-grant program for acquisitions for you! And, and. . .

E.E.: Too late, Bob. I've been talking about leaving for years, and this time I'm dead serious. I'm outta here.