Point of View: The Day After

Dear Hillary,

Well, we did it! 

Frankly, I didn’t know how I could top the “locker room” comments I’d leaked. When would people ever get it, I wondered; I had reviled everyone and everything, and still they believed! I could say anything!

As you know, I never was interested in the presidency from Day 1. When it’s come to social issues, I’ve always been pretty much of a liberal and a conservative when it comes to fiscal and foreign policy. But the logjam in Washington was eating at me, a man of action, a fighter, as you are. We’re bedfellows! Now don’t go taking this the wrong way. 

The Republican Party was really all but dead when I stuck a fork in it. It had no agenda, it was ossified, there were no new ideas. All it could do was say no. Not that the Democrats were much better, but the Republicans were worse. So, I figured I’d stage a coup — which I did in the primaries, further testimony to my genius — and at least give someone a chance to make this country great again. 

The outlandish things I said in playing to my seething base! And the things I did, including telling my accountant to swear to The Times that the phony tax sheets I’d leaked were legit. What? This guy’s paid no income tax in 20 years! What a piker! But no, everyone wanted to be like me! Can you imagine what that would do — there’d be no country then. That was playing with fire.

And so, Hillary, congratulations! Sorry I called you the devil and said you should be jailed. Just words, dear, just words. You’re a fighter, I admire you for that, I really do. And thanks for saying my kids turned out all right. 

Despite me or because of me? I wasn’t quite sure. But anyway a big fat check for your foundation is in the mail from this ol’ fat checker. Enjoy. 

I think I’d look nice in long black robes

The Donald