Relay: Advice For The Comb-Overs

Dear significant-others of the comb over guys,

    I know you are suffering, and I am here to help. Trim this part off and leave the rest of this article around the house for the gents to see in the sanctity of the room where they do the comb-over.

The Comb-Over

    Do the gentlemen with seven hairs 11 inches long that stretch from left ear to right ear really think that that looks like a healthy head of hair? Really?

    Do they think the viewing public doesn’t notice the high sheen between the wispy strands and instead think: “Wow, that’s a handsome head of hair on that man!”

    No, gentlemen, we are not fooled. No one but the comb-over (C.O.) is fooled by the comb-over.

    On the street a comb-over, if noticed, and they often are (and for the wrong reason, especially in a high wind) is thought of thusly:

1. That guy is in major denial.

    2. That guy with the “C.O.” is not a C.E.O.

    3. That guy is vain for the wrong reasons.

    4. He is delusional.

    5. He is going to the wrong barber.

    6. He embarrasses his family on a windy day or coming out of the pool.

    7. This is a guy who thinks the Donald’s hair looks healthy.

    8. This guy is insecure about his looks. (And who wants to wed an insecure fella?)

    Consider the former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani. Plenty of 9/11 pictures show him with an egregious comb-over. He’s a rugged fella and that vanity distracted from his cool.

    Years later he remarried and the comb-over was gone. He is all the better for it, a good-looking man with a perfectly fine head of head.

    If the hairline the higher power gave you is . . . er . . . unfortunate, consider a full Kojak, a full Bruce Willis, a full Yul Brynner, Vin Diesel, or Ben Kingsley. Lack of locks never hurt these guys! Remember that a full Kojak is not painful. (Ask your dame friends about a bikini wax, and you will be strutting your stuff plenty quick.)

    Still a little worried? Try a moustache or a European stubble, a hipster under-lip thingy, a Panama hat or a boater. Try some fab new glasses. People might notice a change but they just might think you look less like grandpa and more youthful — maybe you lost weight? A great big confident smile is always a good accessory, and it doesn’t get in trouble in a wind! A big smile and the last thing anyone remembers is the hair, or lack of it.

    A comb-over telegraphs “insecure” which is high up on my personal list of aesthetic deal-breakers. (Along with hillbilly teeth.)

    And please no more comb-overs pretending to be a ponytail.

    Wake up, thinning guys. It is summer. Jon Hamm is famous for going commando in one way (and you may already be “going commando” like Jon Hamm); consider going full-commando, from top to bottom. (Remember the movie “Commandos Strike at Dawn”?)

    Okay, let’s be reasonable. Gentlemen, if your head is a terrible shape or if your career requires it, then get yourself a great toupee. If you go in that direction, please get a better set of toupees than that famous actor-Scientologist. Realism is key.

    Really.

   Durell Godfrey is a photographer for The East Hampton Star and keen observer of comb-overs (and many other things).