Relay: Coffee War or Love-In?

“OMG, I never heard of that,” a 40-something guy says to a lady friend at Starbucks on Main Street in East Hampton. The coffee in question is labeled New Christmas Blend . . . infused with cinnamon and ginger. New items pop up in the Village of East Hampton as never before. Chestnut Praline, Vanilla Bean Crème, Café Misto.

The Coffee War began not so long ago with the opening of the Starbucks flagship store on Main Street — an opening that opened the community to a new culture, almost a new world order.

Grim, lightly shaven millennials sporting dark sweatshirts tap away at lightweight MacBooks while seated at small tables. Teenagers show each other photos and silly things on their iPhones and Droid cellphones. Ha-ha, the teenagers laugh and giggle. A stylishly dressed young lady, an obvious product of the Upper East Side of Manhattan, embraces a friend near the entrance: “Oh, it’s so nice to see you,” she says to her equally stylish friend.

The holiday or Christmas season — call it what you may — is in full bloom at Starbucks. The perpetually friendly Starbucks employees take orders, oblivious to the moodiness of the customers.

Starbucks coffee items adorn shelf and counter alike. Youngish, diploma-minted, modern Ivy League Starbucks regulars have declared “Christmas is a secular capitalist holiday.” Notre Dame graduates take exception and do not say that. Intellectual concepts are apparently alive at Starbucks — go Ivy League, rah-rah, cheer. Lovers of Starbucks N.Y.C. and those who strive neatly find solace.

Countrified characters roaming this area find amusement in people-watching. A diplomatic local East Hampton guy, age 29, turns to his super-pretty girlfriend and says, “I want salted coffee over codfish.” Ha-ha, that was funny; she snickers cutely while ordering a small regular coffee with a little bit of milk and sugar.

So it goes: Young, intrepid East Hampton souls stand side by side with Perry Ellis models while the N.Y.C. 1-percenters consume tres cher coffees. Other Star Buds settle in, grimace in confronting their small laptops and lack of money.

Starbucks in East Hampton has become a true kaleidoscope of opposing personalities where the corporate menagerie willingly accepts their combined moneys without judgment. A bird for every season, a season for every bird — just put your money on the table and coffee will be.

On to Jack’s Stir Brew Coffee on Main Street in Amagansett. “Oh wow,” a person thinks as he views the Montauk Fishing Dock memorabilia strewn through the saltbox-style coffeehouse. Rock my soul: Classic rock effortlessly streams through the air of this coffee haven.

A short history concerning the signage missing from Montauk: Unless a battered fishing sign does not walk away from the Montauk docks at least two times each winter, it is bad luck. It is rumored a fishing boat captain circa 1940 was bored in February and borrowed his friend’s large placard from the friend’s boat slip. He took the sign home and hung it in his kitchen. His friend came over and loved his boat sign hanging there. Thus the practice became a gesture of good luck.

Jack’s Stir Brew Coffee’s process is fabulous, and hands down their café au lait is as precious as a French maiden gazing to sea off the Brittany coastline watching her lover’s inbound sail. The oldie Montauk boat signs adorning the interior have a quasi-legal provenance. Why did the Viking boat sign walk away from the docks in the winter of ’81?

Anyway, an awesome place Jack’s is . . . just go live for once in your life, ask for the owner’s nephew, he is Mr. Coffee — hard-working. Ask for Laura, long auburn hair, she can show you the house book that everybody signs. Fun.

Reboot: back to the Golden Pear Cafe in East Hampton Village. The view of Newtown Lane — a sleuth’s dream, a private eye’s haven. Regular folks too.

A Maserati driver’s love. You know, park in front, hop out, get coffee. A fabulous-looking woman dressed in Lululemon attire in the passenger-side Maserati seat, speeding off into the sunset — glam central, hard not to gawk. One longtime East Hampton carpenter used to call it “rubbernecking.” Rubbernecking is looking sideways at cool things or people while driving a nice worn comfortable Chevy truck.

Visit Mary’s Marvelous. Possibly not a coffee war: sort of a love-in. Feel the love, coffee-style. Mary’s Marvelous is fashion central, gossip headquarters of Newtown Lane, a real estate salesperson’s mecca, a working-class haven. An occasional movie star holds court at this storefront. Everybody acts cool, remains calm.

The food is yummy! Nice people pop out of workout studios seemingly surrounding Mary’s Marvelous. It’s all there — huge pots of the Sledgehammer blend and the store’s flagship organic brand.

For 2 to 5 dollars you can join the coffee revolution at Starbucks, the Golden Pear Cafe, Jack’s Stir Brew Coffee, and Mary’s Marvelous. There is no fear of being pulled over by the police after drinking coffee. Police personnel all frequent those establishments — all are on the level, nice and legal-like. The kind of place you can bring your teenage son or daughter, your grandmother or grandfather, whomever you fancy.

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Morgan McGivern is The Star’s staff photographer.