Relay: Fashion Police Meet The National Guard

The fashion police are making a steady exit from the Village of East Hampton, New York, this September 2015. Also: The National Guard is being considered as a remedy for the poor post-11 p.m. behavior that took place in open view on the streets and beaches of Montauk, New York, this past summer 2015. A group of National Guardsmen may station on Montauk for the summer of 2016 as a deterrent to bad behavior.

It came to the attention of certain residents of the Village of East Hampton that a group of 14 undercover agents of the fashion industry has been operating along Main Street, Newtown Lane, and other East Hampton locations. These agents are easy to spot: They carry iPhone 6s clearly identifiable by their custom cases: purplish yellow red or some uniquely gaudy color scheme. These agents also wear nice fresh clothes, the newest fashion summerwear. Cute, snappy colors, no socks, bright sneakers — talkative individuals they are, always taking snapshots and selfies with whatever or whomever may constitute a new fashionable concept. Mary’s Marvelous on Newtown Lane has become the fashionista headquarters for clandestine fashion meetings.

Not to be played the fool, an unnamed individual who lives near Mary’s Marvelous secretly recorded many of the fashion agents’ meetings. The tape recordings were quietly distributed and listened to by at least 30 East Hampton residents. The cat is out of the bag.

The conversation took place along these crescendos: “OMG . . . locals dress like crap . . . something must be done about this. Did you see the guy in his pajamas checking the surf? What about that mom who showed up to get her daughter at the Jitney wearing a long, worn-out L.L. Bean nightgown, robe, or whatever it was?”

Fashion Agent 2 said, “On the other hand, did you see that sparkling Scoop Beach dress worn by that gorgeous lady? Take note, people will buy that.”

Agent 3 said, “Oh my — the Lilly Pulitzer short dress that 20-something wore on Newtown Lane was to die for. I have the photo . . . mass-produce a version . . . sell, sell . . . sell, sell.”

This was early in the summer season of 2015. The conversations at Mary’s Marvelous among fashion agents, secretly tape-recorded, are now known as “The Fashion Tapes.” Mothers took their young sons aside and put clean, colorful new shirts on them. Wives told their husbands, “Shave, get a haircut, you look scary.” Grandparents called their grandchildren and told them, “Dress better.”

Men told their friends, “The fashion police are here, dress nice; they think we are slobs. Do you want your slovenly image posted on Newsday.com or Patch with the caption ‘Slovenly dress pervasive among East End residents: They just don’t care’?”

The fashion police took notes on many things, including a man who had his money wrapped in a rubber band at the Hampton Market — lots of it? “That lady’s hair looks like Ireland circa 1200 . . . OMG, what is up with the 1967 Raleigh bike?”

The fashion police are pure capitalists. They have ways of selling East Hampton people: clothes, bikes, cars, trucks, bracelets, rings, handbags, wallets, scarves, designer shirts — accessories galore.

The fashion police have returned to tall buildings and nice offices in N.Y.C., L.A., Chicago, Paris to discuss their findings from this summer past in East Hampton. The agents agreed upon these subjects: The Springs hamlet is a hopeless situation — getting those people to buy new clothes is not going to happen. Amagansett is gentrified, a hard market to crack! Ugly, gaudy T-shirts — provocative. Clothing: Sell the stuff out on Montauk. The Village of East Hampton is prime territory — fill it to the rafters with great clothes and accessories.

The fashion police have power. They have decided on big sales and fabulous items of every pedigree to be placed at Scoop Beach, Lilly Pulitzer, Ralph Lauren, Theory, Cashmere Hampton, Lexington. Starting Nov. 12, “Operation Barrage” will begin. The best clothing and accessories are currently being packed and sent to Village of East Hampton storefronts. Love shopping, love the fall atmosphere here, love Starbucks — it is a natural fit.

Even die-hard East Hampton residents are thinking of participating. Possibly a sporty new coat for $165 discounted from $325? How about a satchel briefcase? That would portray a certain skill set. The days of highly skilled craftsmen, guildsmen, artists of merit, politicians, writers, walking around the area in holey sport coats, torn flannel shirts, worn shoes, fishing vests, old blue jeans, cocksure hats, old safari jackets Wingate-style, OMG and bandannas for the longhairs, are coming to an end.

Maybe sad, maybe happy: Residents do not want to stick out like a sore thumb. Clean up, fit in — participate! February will be here soon enough! An older brother told his younger brother, “Ha, shaving is optional by January.”

Item 2: The National Guard plans to be on Montauk during weekends, summer of 2016. Local P.D. are tired of staying up all night shepherding around people who drink excessively. A variety of town personnel have had it with the weekend visitors’ absurd behavior. The homeowners’ thus taxpayers’ funding the good Town of East Hampton see no reason to pay extra taxes for personal police to watch over moronic weekend visitors.

The National Guard will set up tented areas in municipal parking lots to house people who behave badly. The Long Island Rail Road has agreed to send them west for free. It is a win-win? The 40 National Guardsmen will be housed for free on weekends by local residents. The guardsmen will split shifts, giving them plenty of leisure time for the beach and locally sponsored picnics — normal stuff. A great vacation for the National Guard is in its future.

Morgan McGivern is The Star’s staff photographer.