Relay: Finding a Place In the Hamptons

Through no real fault of my own, I recently found myself needing to find a new place to live on the South Fork. It only took me about five weeks to find a rental, which might as well have been the equivalent of five minutes in Hamptons housing time. It was pretty terrifying out there, but I made it. 

In the interest of helping my fellow house hunters, allow me to present a guide to finding a place to live in the Hamptons. Basically, here’s what worked for me.

Step 1: You’ll need a housing résumé. I’m not kidding. Your housing résumé should first consist of an excellent credit report, which you’ll need to document in a printout from Credit Karma or some other such online service. You’ll also need flawless references, at least three of them, to vouch for you as a prospective tenant. Write down their phone numbers and/or email addresses. Additionally, list your qualifications just like you’d list your professional skills on an employment résumé. Nonsmoker? No pets? Have full-time local employment? It should all be true, of course, and it should all be included. Give this résumé to each prospective landlord you meet. It will make you appear serious and responsible.

Step 2: Adjust your expectations accordingly and leave yourself plenty of time to search. You wouldn’t expect to find your dream job two weeks after you finish your undergraduate degree, would you? You’re probably not going to find a one-bedroom apartment here for $1,000 per month. You may find a single room in a house with a nice homeowner for that much. Be willing to share a place with housemates. You’ll probably have to make sacrifices financially to be able to afford the kind of rent that seems to be the going rate these days. Keep an open mind and don’t give up, even if most of what you find is really scary. Oh, and put most of your stuff in a storage unit. I learned quickly that most landlords out here don’t want you lugging around a ton of belongings.

Step 3: Acquire a silver chalice and a purple candle. Wait for a full moon and light the candle. Pour your favorite red wine into the chalice and say the Hail Mary five times. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and visualize yourself in a new, wonderful home. Then, drink the red wine. Pour another into the chalice, sneak outside, and dump it along your current landlord’s privet. Just make sure he or she doesn’t see you, or else there goes a good reference.

Step 4: Expand your search. Don’t depend solely on social media groups or Craigslist to get you through this situation. Check the listings in The Star. Place a newspaper ad if you have to. I got several promising responses when I placed an ad in this newspaper in which I offered to pay for a landlord’s East Hampton Town rental registry fee if he or she chose me as a tenant. Most important, network the hell out of it. Tell everyone in your social circle that you are looking for a new place to live. Tell your co-workers. It was ultimately this last method that helped me find a new place to live.

To everyone still searching, don’t give up hope. I’ll keep my eyes and ears open for you.

Christine Sampson is The Star’s education reporter.