Relay: A Holiday Letter

My goodness, do you believe it’s been three years since I last sent a Christmas letter? I finally found myself with a little free time and thought I’d let all our friends and family know what we’ve been up to out here in Montauk.

But first, I must explain why the picture on this card is not of our family but of some strangers holding a baby in a hut that looks like a manger. And is that a donkey or a dog next to the straw bed? Where does Hallmark find these people to model like this?

I wish whoever it was who coaxed them into those worn and tattered outfits would visit my house and work their magic on my three model-like adult children. Because they refuse to wear the matching sweaters I bought for this card’s cover photograph. It was all so easy when they were young and wore anything I put out for them. But now, just because they’re all in their 30s, they have united in the fight against wearing for two minutes at most the beautiful green sweater with Santa Claus on it and reindeers and little bells that actually jingle when you move.

I reminded them that someday they will treasure these pictures, but that only got a laugh out of them. “Mom, I don’t think I’ll ever be showing my friends a picture of myself when I was 36 wearing a stupid Santa Claus sweater that my mother made me wear,” said the smart-mouthed one.

I tried bribery and pity, but that only backfired when I told them it might be the last year I’m here to ask this of them. “Why, where are you going?” one of them asked with a hint of sadness.

And it was at that moment that I realized my children were in denial and that they had not a clue that someday their mother would no longer be with them to bug them and make them wear ugly sweaters and eat icky food. So I went with the line about women reaching a certain age when they no longer allow pictures to be taken of themselves with their four necks. I’m not there yet, I told them, but I’m up to a good one and a half, which I’m sure by January will be a full-blown two.

A woman’s neck is like the trunk of a tree — it gets thicker with age and is ringed with circles that help tell its age. The condition of my neck — no matter how many creams I rub into it — is not allowing me to hide from them the fact that their dear old mom is getting on in age.

Anyway, I finally relented and took the family picture, which was then mistakenly erased with my new digital camera! I knew I’d never get the three of them and my husband to pose for another and gave up. But if you look real close at the baby on the front of this card, she does look a little like my new granddaughter.

Well, would you look at that, I’m out of space already and I had so much more to tell you about. You’re probably too busy to read that much in one sitting anyway, so maybe I’ll write again after the New Year. For now, though, have a very happy holiday!