Relay: A Scourge of White F-150s

East Hampton, N.Y., July 1, 2014: Concern and discussion about a number of new vehicles that have taken to the East Hampton roads seem all the rage in local scuttlebutt. New white Ford F-150s have been spotted tailgating the cars of older East Hampton Village residents who pilot smaller automobiles. Most of the people being tailgated are elderly ladies.

Many of the tailgaters are brutes holding cellphones to their ears, racing through the village, checking on their many contractual jobs, estimates, clients: The fastidious detailers hire themselves out to entitled homeowners of financial means. This is a problem!

When confronted about this tailgating, what do you think the tailgate man does? The nice new glazy-dark window of a brand-new white Ford F-150 is rolled up; the burly man in the truck keeps yakking on his cellphone. When push comes to shove, the man in the truck is oh too busy to acknowledge the mere pedestrian presence next to his spectacular truck. He has money to make, places to be, lumber to acquire — no time for you or your aging mommy. “Run those little cars off the road, send them home to eat cake,” the tough white-Ford F-150 guy thinks.

White Range rovers are appearing in Montauk with surfboards atop vehicles as if attending a Saturday night soiree at the Plaza Hotel in New York City.

Splashy surf racks, combo double surfboard bags au deluxe, longboard kook-monger dudes with their bling dates! Ladies and gentlemen, are they doing lunch, visiting the riffraff poor surf-type inhabitants of the small most-eastern hamlet of Long Island, inspiring all with their gauche, white Range Rover manners?

Who had the nerve to sell them all those brand-new surf digs, gear, sunglasses, booties, wetsuits, surf leashes, car bike racks, fins, and more fins — like, wow! What is up with the car? No self-respecting surfer would drive such a vehicle unless he were in Africa. Seriously: This brand-new white Range Rover surf culture in Montauk has to stop!

Moving on: brand-new black Mercedes-Benz S.U.V. automobiles with the darkish tinted windows. Why do owners of this luxury vehicle keep pulling over on Further Lane on the right-hand side with the tail end of the car sticking out in the road to talk on their cellphones? Of course the driver’s phone is a hopped-up iPhone with a snazzy case the driver flaunts.

Cellphone raised to ear: A bystander can almost feel the peripheral anxiety of the driver of said luxury automobile. The ugly, boxy S.U.V. shines! The butt end of the automobile slapped in the road, slowing down people who actually have to work. What self-respecting American patriot would allow anyone to see him parked on such a famed lane in East Hampton acting that way?

Get those drivers to roll down those windows, get off their cellphones, smell the flowers, look up, look down, greet the neighbors, wave to the policeman, and cease and desist with this behavior. Pull that ugly, tinted-window, new black luxury car off the road, hide it behind a big tree. Stand off to the side of the road, talk on the cellphone, and be polite! Remember to turn the gas-guzzling, brand-new Benz off so it does not continue to spew carbons, burn fuel, and bother everyone.

A young local entrepreneur has come up with a resolution concerning these vehicles of poor choice. He, a ubiquitous young man, is offering for $200 per car to bring character to each individual vehicle of these brands. The white Range Rover can be spray-painted decorative gray and black. The black Mercedes S.U.V.s will be spray-coated in mud. Not to worry: The mud is 100-percent organic, biodegradable; the mud will even be dug legally from the property of a registered East Hampton Democrat. This is a winning situation; everyone will be happy. The organic contingency will be happy, and Republicans can mock the mud-spattered luxury automobile.

The brand-new white Ford F-150s pose mind-boggling problems. No one seems to know what to do about them. The owners of these vehicles cannot be rebuffed. The owners of the white Ford F-150s should stop tailgating everyone in their pursuit of the American Dream. However, the truck is white and a Ford. Also, new white Ford trucks infuriate Chevy truck owners.

If anyone has any suggestions concerning brand-new white Ford-F150s traversing the roads of East Hampton, please send your suggestions to 153 Main Street, East Hampton Star Newspaper, attn: Russell Bennett, Customer Relations.

Morgan McGivern is The Star’s staff photographer.