Relay: Time for Some New Village Regs
Flash News: Incorporated Village of East Hampton, N.Y., U.S.A. — East Hampton Village leaders, in response to its citizens’ requests, recommendations, and common sense propositions, implement four new provisionary laws effective henceforth, quid pro . . . immediately.
First order effective immediately: Every day in East Hampton Village, year round, is now Senior Day. If you are over 80 years of age, you will be allowed to cut all lines to the front of the line, inclusive of CVS convenience store, Waldbaum’s supermarket, and all village wine retailers.
Younger people at the front of the line will be instructed by store managers that people over 80 will be allowed to cut longer lines and shop first. Young people will smile and say, “You first, please. How nice you look today.”
Second order effective immediately: Fines for dogs on the beach will be lowered to $30 and will be enforced in extreme situations only, or warnings will be issued. The dogs-on-the-beach rules are being obeyed to a T — why waste a T.C.O.’s or a policeman’s or a police lady’s time?
A lone dog on the beach by mistake, bothering no one, will be allowed to run back to its home. The partially disabled or disabled accompanied by nice dogs are now allowed to wander with their dogs, on or off the leash, at the beach or head-of-beach parking lots. Dog lovers are to inquire if those individuals need any assistance with their dogs. That means you run and fetch his or her dog if it runs off chasing a seagull.
Third order effective immediately: Tres cher, nouveau racing bikes that are less than 10 years old will be banned from East Hampton Village streets — Mill Hill, Dunemere Lane, David’s Lane, Georgica Road, Lily Pond Lane, and Buell Lane. Anyone saying “click click” while passing, wearing silly biking clothes, teeth shoes, ski goggles, stealth fighter suits, or doing any of that bike racing stuff will be rounded up and taken to the East Hampton Town or Southampton Town line and told to ride east or west.
Those racing bikes are such a nuisance! Bike talk, fast paces, lines of 10 humans on wheels zooming by when any normal person is half asleep are not tolerable! What is wrong with those people? They race along side streets as home delivery boys are tossing newspapers in driveways at dawn. One of those lunatic bikers could run you over on any morning while you are on the roadside picking up your paper. Those sleek riders of super-expensive bikes do not read newspapers, they read happy racing bike magazines and gloat over their skintight bike suits.
They kinda slipper together in their nylons, like, wow — I’m so cool. Keep those terrifying-looking bikes and their masters off the East Hampton Village residential roads. What if your 95-year-old granny goes out for a walk and forgets it’s summer? She could be struck by a zoopedup.com racing bike rider wearing a bizarre special galactic zoom bike suit.
Fourth order effective immediately: Everyone will be polite to the librarians at the East Hampton Library. No more grumbling like you’re in a Madrid subway while smoking a Gitanes cigarette. No more frump work clothes and filthy work boots — pull yourselves together. This is a library, not an Alaskan beer and whiskey bodega. If you’re a manual-working type, excuse yourself and explain you did not have time to change your clothes. The librarians will love you forever.
Also, once in a blue moon, someone please bring the librarians flowers. They like that! And librarians’ sick days will from now on be obligatory. You know they never take them — they are all so healthy. All librarians will have two beach days during the summer on top of their sick days. That order has been confirmed by the library big shots!
These official East Hampton Village orders will be immediately implemented henceforth, quid pro . . . and cherries on top.
Morgan McGivern is The Star’s staff photographer.