Relay: Zombies All Around Us

    With zombies in the movies, zombies on television, and zombies in print, I’m starting to think we should cool it.

    “If you build it, he will come‚” a voice told Kevin Costner in the movie “Field of Dreams.” And come they did, strolling out from fields of corn and straw. If we don’t stop being so hospitable toward the zombies, they too might come, and then we’re all goners.

    Zombies, with their filthy hair, bulging eyes, tattered clothes, and bloody scars all over their faces, are very scary. And why do they look so mean all the time? I mean, c’mon, you’re dead, get over it. Go back to where you came from and rest in peace.

    Several weeks ago, right before Montauk’s fall festival, I noticed some of these creeps hanging around street corners in the downtown area. Wondering why, I considered that they might be here to enjoy the autumn festivities. Or could they be casing our little seaside hamlet, where it would be very easy to dump a tattered body under the cover of darkness on a remote beach?

    While using my investigative reporting skills, I found that they were actually invited by Montauk Youth to scare things up out here. What, are they crazy? Don’t they know it’s Halloween and that zombies come to life on that day?

    Now it’s unavoidable; they’re here already and have been eyeing us for weeks, looking for the fat, chubby ones to munch on. They’ve probably already chosen their prey, so lock your doors and windows, folks.

    Zombies are wily creatures and can disguise themselves as princesses, pirates, superheroes, and even Barbie dolls, so some of them might not seem so frightening. But they all have scary faces and bulging eyes, something to look out for.

    I don’t think anyone’s been feeding our visitors, so tonight, when their limbs start moving and they climb down from their posts, anyone who crosses their path could become a meal.

    I happen to be a scaredy-cat. I can’t watch scary movies or read scary books. I like life to be about puppies, kittens, babies, and flowers. When I was a very impressionable teenager I saw “The Exorcist” and I’ve not been the same since. When my son was christened he wore a little red jumpsuit under his white lacy christening gown. While performing the ceremony, the priest happened to point out that he was wearing red, the color of the devil. I almost ran out of the church, leaving my little baby boy to fend for himself over the christening font.

    Today it’s going to be tough for us to decipher neighborhood children dressed in costume from the real zombies. I suggest giving the good stuff to anyone who remotely resembles a zombie. So as not to piss them off. Because you never know what trick might be up their tattered sleeves. And make sure someone is with you at all times when that knock comes to your door. Be afraid, be very afraid!

    Janis Hewitt is a senior writer for The Star.