Some of the most memorable depictions of family life in America can be found in the work of the late artist Norman Rockwell, who during his lifetime — 1894 to 1978 — was adept at painting smiles on the faces of parents and children alike.
If he were alive today, his iconic Saturday Evening Post illustrations might star not Mother and Father with their children, but rather blended families featuring step-parents and step-siblings. “The so-called ‘blended family’ is no longer an aberration in American society: It’s a norm,” the American Psychological Association wrote in 2019.
Funnily enough, Mr. Rockwell himself was divorced and remarried, but the images endure — particularly those centered around celebrations.
“His picture of the family is no longer,” said Dr. Jeannette Lofas of Sag Harbor.
How, then, can blended families navigate holiday celebrations most smoothly?
“The most important step is to ‘plan and program’ the holidays. It seems a little obsessive compulsive, but it’s nice to know what to expect,” Dr. Lofas said.
Dr. Lofas was the founder of the Stepfamily Foundation in 1976. Between 1976 and 2004 she was the author or co-author of five books that explore this kind of family dynamic, and in 1995, she was the recipient of the first-ever National Parents’ Day Award from then-President Clinton. As a multilingual psychologist and social worker with degrees from the University of Michigan, Fordham University, and Westbrook University, she is still actively counseling stepfamilies today.
A 2013 analysis of data from the federal government’s National Survey of Family Growth showed that 20 percent of first marriages ended in divorce within five years and 48 percent of all marriages ended in divorce within 20 years. However, Dr. Lofas said a more current figure is that 66 percent of marriages fail over all. In 2015, according to American Community Survey data, about 7 percent of all new unions involved a woman marrying for a second time, 8 percent involved a man marrying for a second time, and 9 percent were second marriages for both partners. Three percent of new unions involved a third marriage for at least one spouse.
“Holidays can become horror days” with step-parents and siblings, she said, “if we’re not really prepared for them. . . . The wounds of divorce can tear open on holidays.”
By “plan and program,” Dr. Lofas means outlining expectations for behavior — by both children and adults — ahead of time. It can be as simple as starting with good manners: “Hello, goodbye, please, and thank you go a long way,” she said. Making eye contact and not interrupting during conversations are also important guidelines to talk about ahead of time.
“People tolerate a lot of behavior that’s not respectful,” she said.
Some of her work, she said, reflects the teachings of the Middle Eastern poet Rumi. “He says all wars and conflicts are caused by not honoring the differences of the other. There are so many differences. The job is to know them and to respect them.”
Speaking with respect is particularly important for the parents, who may be tempted to take shots at his or her former partner in front of the children. “Badmouthing is all over the place in stepfamilies, and that hurts the kids,” Dr. Lofas said. “We never want to match the negative behavior. If someone is negative to you, don’t come back with negative . . . come back with something different. Come back with silence or ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ or something like that, but don’t match the anger.”
Biological parents who have remarried — and most often fathers who worry about “losing” their children’s affection, Dr. Lofas said — often overindulge the kids on holidays with lavish gifts. That’s also a big “no-no.” Her approach of planning and programming also includes discussing the gifts ahead of time. “Don’t make somebody feel bad. That happens a lot.”
She also recommends giving each family member his or her own specific job to focus on: Johnny sets the table, Jenny arranges the flowers, Jimmy clears the plates, and so on.
In her practice, Dr. Lofas often draws from the step relationships across her own family. “I gave up working at CBS News, married the man of my dreams, and moved to Aspen, Colorado,” she said. “A week into the relationship we started having these terrible fights about his kids getting up from the table and not talking to me.” She said she realized that “this stuff was bigger than both of us.” A friend, Ruth Roosevelt, who also coaches day traders in the financial industry, joined her as co-author for her first book, “Living in Step,” in 1976.
Dr. Lofas draws comparisons between stepfamily relationships and organ transplants in medicine — the possibility of rejection is real.
“You really have to keep your cool. There’s lots of emotions, lots of uncertainty, and there’s always the issue of who comes first,” she said. “These families are now the norm and they are under a great deal of stress right now. . . . Sometimes it’s just good to sit back, watch, and smile.”
