CTC Theater Live has come up with what may be an all-time triumph: Its production of Cole Porter's "Anything Goes," now at Guild Hall's John Drew Theater, is a masterpiece.

Not since the company's rip-roaring "Guys and Dolls" have we seen such magical musical theater on the South Fork, with such a collection of thrilling voices soaring so effortlessly from so many talented, beautiful people.

On opening night, the capacity audience stopped the show again and again, clapping and stomping and whooping its delight. The kids in the crowd were bug-eyed - here was something to get excited about that wasn't on TV or in a sports arena. What a revelation!

Almost Perfect Musical

Of course, "Anything Goes" is a just about perfect musical. It opened in New York in 1934, right after the repeal of Prohibition but in the depths of the Depression and, despite its intricate melodies and sophisticated book, became an instant hit.

Cole Porter, whose privileged youth, inherited wealth, and Yale education would not seem to have prepared him to be the darling of our motley New York audiences, had produced a winner. Unfazed fans went wild, as they still do, and drop-kicked the witty work into the august canon of American musical theater almost overnight.

The real emotion elegantly contained beneath his urbane style caught in throats and moved hearts, sweeping audiences up in its heady embrace and carrying them to the heights of songs like "You're the Top," "I Get a Kick Out of You," and that great hymn to getting it all together and letting it all hang out, "Anything Goes" itself.

Ending Rewritten

According to a program note, the original book, by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse, was about a gambling cruise that featured a shipwreck as its "fun-filled climax."

When a real cruise ship sank in 1933 with many passengers still aboard, Russell Crouse and Howard Lindsay were called in to draft a cheerier ending, and the musical finally set sail.

Mr. Crouse's son Timothy rewrote the book with John Weidman for its acclaimed 1987 revival at Lincoln Center, creating the version we have here.

Situating the show aboard a gambling ship had freed its authors to sneak various shady characters up the gangplank to hobnob with the creme de la creme in first class, setting the stage for some great Upstairs/Downstairs laughs and romances.

Colorful Scum

We meet the ship's captain (Bill Stark), the ever-so-eligible Lord Evelyn Oakley (Ray Gobes Jr.), Evangeline Harcourt, a society widow (Gillian Ames), her debutante daughter Hope (Nancy Clausen), and the millionaire stockbroker Elisha Whitney (David Parker), a crusty old Yale grad who's survived the crash that sent lesser men "swan-diving" out of their Wall Street office windows.

Also aboard are the even more colorful scum of the earth: Public Enemy Number One, Billy Crocker (Thomas Rosamillia); Public Enemy Number 13, Moonface Martin (Glenn Bazazian), a gun-packing gangster masquerading as a minister (Richard Schneider), and the raunchy evangelist Reno Sweeney (Andrea Gross), a thinly disguised Aimee Semple McPherson, the 1920s evangelist, raring to "lead sinners beside distilled waters," as she puts it.

The huge cast is rounded out by her chorus of "angels," the ship's crew, assorted hoods and F.B.I. agents, and Erma (Meredith Spencer), a baby-talking gun moll who holds a bunch of leering sailors at bay with a punchy delivery of "Buddy Beware."

Steals The Show

From moment one the show belongs to the fabulous Ms. Gross, appearing in her third production for CTC Live this season. (She played the faltering maid in Noel Coward's "Waiting in the Wings," and the drill sergeant in Irwin Shaw's "Bury the Dead.")

Now she sings and dances to enthralling effect, sweeping across the stage with such evangelical props as a black feather boa and a bottle of champagne, hoofing up a storm in a closetful of drop-dead satin outfits, and stealing our hearts.

The rest of the cast also shines: the elegant Ms. Clausen with her lovely soprano, the amusing Ms. Ames with her little dog, the fantastically funny Mr. Gobes with his British mannerisms, and the darkly compelling Mr. Rosamillia with his romantic soul hiding beheath his sinister exterior, and his startlingly moving voice.

Mr. Bazazian is also wonderful as Moonface, especially singing "Be Like the Bluebird," which brought the house down on opening night. So are the always impressive Mr. Schneider in his padre disguise and Mr. Parker as the millionaire Whitney.

As for Ms. Seacat's exuberant direction and choreography, they're awesome. Hats off to a real professional with an unerring theatrical sense.

Hats Off

Chas W. Roeder's costume design positively soars with wit and beauty, as does John Mercurio's magnificently versatile ocean liner set. Kudos too to Eric Schlobohf's beautiful lighting design and Anthony Pasquale's fine musical direction of the nifty orchestra.

Just Pros, No Cons

It's been said that every rave review should contain at least one criticism in order to be plausible. Well, this is a rave review that just raves and raves - so you'd better believe it and go see for yourself.

"Anything Goes" will play for the next three weekends, Friday and Saturday evenings at 8, with Sunday matinees at 2:30. Don't miss it!

April dug its own grave and let no nicety of May be its marker. Its final place is wide and very deep and in it are tossed its many misdeeds: wheelbarrows of frost-browned magnolia blossoms line the bottom, finish the top; an elegant Kamchatka birch toppled by one of the many gales the month reveled in, destructed withes of daffodils, buckets of frost and truckloads of snow, lakes of rain, and all other things torn and toppled (and this includes a now legless bench) went into the pile.

If there is room, I shall also tip the uselessness of hours spent indoors; frosted-in-transit packaged plants lined in ranks in the summer studio like some young, stalled army awaiting orders. Many did not make it. And I must not forget to toss those many bottles and vials of prescriptives for the various throat and bronchial afflictions the month caused, but how can one bury a sore throat, inter a cough? Farmers could not plow or plant their boggy fields.

April is a month of hellish mode spawned somewhere in the most remote islands of the North with March as its heart and January thaws and freezes for blood. If months are mansions, April is a slum.

That it wrecked the magnolias again is hardly news, but this year, the myriad rises and drops of temperature held some species back, brought others more forward so that this was to be the first year Magnolia stellata would bloom with Magnolia Soulangeana, a pink and crystal pairing that the frosts singed like fury until all lay on paths and earth, curled in a most hideous, gellid rictus. Slaughter, nothing less, the beautiful rare moment gone.

And yet, just as in times of greatest tyranny, when malign governments grind and crush their populations, a few great words and songs take wing, the smallest elements of the garden grew and prospered in an almost medieval pageantry of mille-fleurs. There, inches above the cold, sodden soil, were indigos, azures, and gentians; citrons and lemons (zest and rind); mauves and purples and magentas above the matchless perfections of their small, eruptive foliage. It was a stately procession, a royal progress of incredible lavishness.

I speak about the little bulbs, scattered through the lawn, bounding up between pebbles and paving, massed beneath the bare branches of shrubs, the stubs of perennials. These and the almost too-green grass gave much sticking power to the wet, miserable gardener. Let us never neglect them and plant them more and more, each year a bit more, adding to our little store of courage.

All of these doughty performers come from wind and sun-swept screes and stony uplands, from Greece and Turkey and Northern Iran and the Southern Republics of Russia and yes, you find them in the Alps, too, as well as the Dolomites and the Urals and those many islands, great and small, of the Aegean and the Mediterranean. They are as exotic and myriad and diverse as the people they share the earth with. Most lie under snow and stone, have but a brief period of rain and then bake the other many months, so that any part of the garden with sandy or poor soil will do for their humble needs. Their wants being few, a bit of lime and bone meal is all one needs to add.

Think not of Darwin, Cottage, or Peony tulips, they are a bit gaudy and municipal by now, think low and little and come upon the flames of Praestans Fusilier, an eight-inch multi-flowerer with utter reliability, immune to wind and cold, a specie tulip that multiplies each year and needs not (squirrels and chipmunks and voles excepted) replacement or lifting. And the perfections of Urumiensis, with gold inside and spots of, yes, olive and red without, shorter than Praestans by a good three inches.

And I have a whole carpet or should I say runner weaving in and out of inkberry and crimson barberry of Dasystemon, white stars with clear, yellow centers. And I want and will get the Red Crocus tulip (Pulchella violacea) to go with the Clusiana I have, the latter a pointed tulip as high as Praestans. Mixtures of the tiny bulbs are quite splendid and Van Engelen (23 Tulip Drive, Bantam, Conn. 06750) will sell you 100 for only $13.50.

Of course, plant them where you will want to see them, just as long as they have strong sun, but the best is to thread them through your perennials and shrubs, whose succeeding leafing will shield their maturing foliage. As you cultivate you will, of course, be inadvertently lifting some of the tiny bulbs, which will then reward you by falling unnoticed, here and there, and taking hold. Then they are most brilliant, I think, seen alone the following year, a color jolt to stop your tracks.

I love their names quite as much as their flowers and was drawn to Puschkinia libanotica 10 years ago, a skimmed-milk, squill-like fluff of blue now gracing I can't count how many niches and ever increasing. They are under shrubs and between bricks and through pebbles and at doorsteps where they are so vibrant one would think the earth itself was tossing.

Quite the find is the Old House Gardens catalogue ($2, 536 Third Street, Ann Arbor, Mich. 48103). Begun in 1993 by Mr. and Mrs. Scott Kunst, former schoolteachers, it is the only mail order firm entirely devoted to antique bulbs. They sell not many varieties, but what they do is extraordinarily choice. Resist, if you can, the "Florentine or Wood Tulip (T. sylvestris), 1597. T. florentina, species, 8-14 inches."

With nodding buds, pointed yellow petals, and a scent of violets, this graceful wildling may have been in Italian gardens in the 12th century. Gerard pictured it in 1597, Jefferson grew it at Monticello, and it has naturalized in the gardens of the great Victorian nurseryman George Ellwanger in Rochester, N.Y., as well as at relic sites in Pennsylvania where it's often called the "Dutch tulip."

"It's reportedly hardy from zones 4 to 10, but I can't vouch for that! Repeat bloom can be sparse. Recommendations include siting it in a hot, dryish spot, adding lime, or planting it over buried rocks. Please tell me what works for you." The Jefferson attribution leads me to a small but growing clump of nodding, lily-shaped yellow tulips with a curious green glow I grew from seed, now doing quite well in their fourth year of bloom. Henry Adams, former curator of Monticello, sent seven seeds on to me.

Seed-grown bulbs are easy if you are patient. Give them a season of cold in the refrigerator, plant them in a clay pot with sand or perlite added to any commercial growing mixture, and plunge pot above the rim into any corner of the garden you don't till. And forget it. And there they will be just when they had left your mind. They are one of the things stared at that never seem to grow. But neglect them and they will.

There are many other April-Be-Gones - crocus, squill, species daffodil (enough of the large-cupped trumpets!), anemone blanda (wind-flower), erythronium, fritillaria, ipheion. . . . I have a colony of snowdrops at the base of a birch, near the arches of a large stephanandra that sends up, however cold, blooms by mid-January, a combination of drying soil the birch hoicked up, protected by nearby wind-absorbing hedges, a focus for sunlight. These have touches of green when you lift their little bells and, even that early, a midge or two.

*Madoo (old Scots for "My Dove") is my garden. It became a public entity, the Madoo Conservancy, in 1993.

Outdoors enthusiasts who like to participate in organized outings have no excuse if they cannot find something interesting to do on this last weekend of April. The nature calendar is about as full as it can be.

Two events are on tap for seal-watchers. On Saturday at 2 p.m., the 100-foot Sunbeam Express will leave Kokomo's Dock in Greenport on a seal-spotting cruise through Gardiner's Bay to Fishers Island, courtesy of the Cornell Cooperative Extension Service in cooperation with the Riverhead Foundation for Marine Research and Preservation. Each organization will supply a naturalist to comment on the sights.

Fishers Island is a favorite haul-out site of harbor seals and other species that inhabit Long Island waters in the winters. On a previous trip this winter, over 500 seals were observed.

For Seal-Watchers

The boat will return to the dock at about 6 p.m. The cost is $30 for adults, $15 for children 12 and under, with advance registration and payment required through the Extension Service's Marine Center, 3690 Cedar Beach Road, Southold. A portion of the proceeds helps to fund the New York State Marine Mammal and Sea Turtle Stranding Program.

On Sunday, seal-watchers will arrive on foot at the site: the beach at Montauk County Park. The three-hour walk, led by the Southampton College-based Coastal Research and Education Society of Long Island, will start from the concession stand at Montauk Point State Park, next to the lighthouse, at 10 a.m.

The walk is about three miles round-trip and is suitable for children. A $5 donation will be requested.

Other activities Saturday include a walk around Big Reed Pond in Montauk, part of the county park, to look for sprouting signs of spring and identify them. The Nature Conservancy is the sponsor of this hike, which will set off at 9 a.m. from the parking lot next to Third House. Dr. Stuart Lowrie, who oversees the vast Peconic Bioreserve for the Conservancy, will be the leader.

In East Hampton, the Grace Estate in Northwest will be the site of a 10 a.m. hike led by Nancy Kane of the East Hampton Trails Preservation Society.

Hikers will make a loop up Scoy's Path to Kirk's Place and along the beach into a little-known section of Cedar Point Park. They have been asked to meet at the schoolhouse plaque on Northwest Road, about a quarter-mile beyond its intersection with Alewife Brook Road.

Animal Trackers

Callie Greene, an artist and naturalist, will take hikers "through the unseen world of elusive South Fork animals" from 10 a.m. until noon on Saturday.

Ms. Greene, guiding for the Group for the South Fork, will point out footprints, scat, and other clues, at a site that will be revealed when those interested call the Group's headquarters on Main Street, Bridgehampton, for reservations.

The gravesite of young Benjamin Hubbard will be the meeting place at 10 a.m. on Sunday for a walk into the white pine forest of Northwest and onward to Jason's Rock, Chatfield's Hole, and the Two Holes of Water. The Trails Preservation Society's Richard Lupoletti will lead hikers, who will meet at the intersection of Swamp Road and Bull Path in East Hampton.

Bicyclists are offered a guided mountain bike tour of Hither Woods Sunday afternoon, lasting from two to three hours. Some trail-riding experience is necessary, and helmets too.

Cyclists can start from the Cycle Path shop in Amagansett, which is leading the trip, at 3:30, or join up with it at the recycling center off Route 27 in Montauk at 4.

Sammy's Beach in East Hampton will be the target of another "movable feast" hike on Wednesday, when walkers will be rewarded at the end of their exercise with bagels, muffins, and "stimulating conversation." Tom Plant of the Trails Preservation Society will set off either east or west, depending on the wind and his whim.

Seek Coastal Stewards

One way leads beneath the cliffs toward Cedar Point Park and into a hardwood forest in Landfall. The other route features views of the beach and Three Mile Harbor wetlands.

In either case, the hike will start at 10 a.m. at the end of Old House Landing Road via Alewife Brook Road in Northwest.

Addendum: The Nature Conservancy is again seeking coastal stewards this spring, and has invited volunteers to meet on Saturday from 9 a.m. to noon for a workshop on the protection of endangered shore birds. Volunteers will erect fencing and predator-exclosure devices at piping plover and least tern nesting sites across Long Island.

Those interested have been asked to call the Conservancy's East Hampton office to learn where to meet.

The former Brooks building on Pantigo Road, which has been vacant for more than a year, may soon be the site of a sporting goods store. Ben Krupinski, the East Hampton builder and entrepreneur who owns the building, told The Star this week that he had found a tenant for the space, Pete Ferraro, the owner of Plaza Sports in Montauk, Rocky Point, and Centereach.

According to Mr. Krupinski, Mr. Ferraro, a Montauk resident, plans to open a similar store in the old Brooks building. Mr. Ferraro would not confirm the deal until all the paperwork was signed, however.

Mr. Ferraro's other stores sell sporting apparel and footwear, inline skates, wetsuits, boogie boards, hiking boots, Birkenstocks, sports team uniforms, and even ping pong tables.

The space is approximately 6,200 square feet, said Mr. Krupinski, and the property contains more parking than any other store in the village provides, between 55 and 60 spaces. The building also contains the Windmill Deli, with about 1,000 more square feet, which is leased separately.

Lease Wasn't Up

The former Brooks space remained vacant for a year because the drugstore's lease was not up, Mr. Krupinski said this week. He bought the property in 1989 for $1.5 million, under the corporate name Pantigo Lane Associates.

Since the drugstore's lease ended, however, he said, he has received a number of inquiries into the space for both retail store and restaurant use.

"Everyone wants to own a restaurant," quipped Mr. Krupinski, himself a partner in the East Hampton Point restaurant.

Not So Chic

Mr. Krupinski said he was happy with the idea of a not-so-chic tenant in the space, in contrast to the changes much of the rest of the village has seen, as tony businesses such as McCarver and Moser, London Jewelers, and the clothing store Kenar open shop here, supplanting the locally owned mom-and-pop businesses.

"Not everyone can buy a $100 pair of pants," Mr. Krupinski said.

So just how much rental money is the old Brooks space garnering for its owner? Mr. Krupinski was "not at liberty to say," he said, though he offered that it was "reasonable" and below the market rate.

This is the first article in a series that will examine various aspects of real estate on the South Fork.

With summer almost backed up to the Manorville exit on the Long Island Expressway, you'd expect last-minute renters to be cutting each other off at the front door of real estate offices as if they were in the Reutershan parking lot on the Fourth of July weekend.

But they are not, and that may spell disappointment for Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Ordinary-Ranch-House-With-Pool, who have been hoping to cash in on the annual summer rental bonanza.

"It has not been the kind of mob scene that we are used to," said Stuart Epstein of Devlin-McNiff in East Hampton. "In years past, I would come into work and there would be times when there were no seats in the office. It was like a bakery. 'Take a number.' "

Spring Wave A Washout

Diane Saatchi, who heads Dayton-Halstead in East Hampton, agreed with other brokers that "when it all shakes out, business will probably be about the same as last year," but she, too, has noticed a slowdown in activity this spring.

"The season began as early as August, when people either re-rented or made deals for this year," she said. While the market remained busy through the Christmas holiday, "that second wave" of business usually seen in early spring "didn't come this year."

John Keeshan, a Montauk broker, was blunter. "In a nutshell, if anyone tells you the market is alive and flourishing, they are blowing smoke," he said.

Quiet Since Mid-March

While Mr. Keeshan, too, did brisk business early in the year, since mid-March, at least in Montauk, "the market has taken a slump. That's a good way to describe it. I haven't heard that word used for a long time."

However, said the veteran broker, "it does show signs of getting back on track." While business is about a third behind last year's levels, "it won't take long to take up that slack," he said.

"What will happen, God willing, is spring will hit like an explosion and everyone will say, 'I've got to get my summer rental.' "

Brokers offered a variety of reasons for the lull. Some said there was a glut of rental houses on the market. Others said prices, which have risen 5 to 15 percent since last year, have scared off some renters and caused others to hold off, hoping for late bargains.

Still others pointed to a strong sales market which has seen many longtime renters take the plunge and buy their own weekend getaways.

Weather, as Mr. Keeshan said, may also be a factor. "There's been rotten weather on the weekends, which can discourage people from coming out," said Frank Newbold of Sotheby's International Realty.

Ms. Saatchi said renters may remember last summer "when it was damp, cold, and crowded in the village. They may not want to do that again."

Scared Off?

Some raised the possibility of too much good publicity.

"There were a number of press reports of a gangbuster rental season," said Mr. Newbold, referring to stories in The New York Times and elsewhere that said Wall Streeters, their pockets flush with year-end bonuses, were gobbling up every last morsel of rental property.

"The only thing that has scared people is the perception that our rental season is so great," said Peter Hallock, the president of Allan Schneider Real Estate.

"They say, 'Let's do something else this year because the Hamptons are taken.' "

One broker said this year's strong sales market had seen many longtime renters buy their own weekend getaways.

"They gave the message, 'If you haven't rented it's too late,' " Mr. Newbold said. "Now we're getting people calling and sheepishly asking if there is anything left."

There's Plenty Left

There is. Even though Mr. Hallock said his firm has had a "very strong season," he stressed that "there are a lot of great properties available. I'd say there are over a thousand available, from the Shinnecock Canal to Montauk."

While Mr. Hallock said East Hampton oceanfront was "virtually impossible" and Ms. Saatchi said such expensive jewels "seem to go very quickly," Mr. Newbold disagreed. "There's a bit of everything available, including estates south of the highway," he said.

Even with more than enough houses to go around, prices remain firm. A reasonable, but not outstanding three-bedroom, two-bath house with a pool in Northwest Woods or Springs will cost "minimally in the 20s, and probably closer to 25" from Memorial Day to Labor Day, said Mr. Epstein.

The High End

"Early on, there were a few gems at 10, 11, or 12, but they get snapped up quickly," he said.

At the other end of the spectrum, Mr. Epstein has a Further Lane listing with five bedrooms, a finished basement with gym, media room, and a removable dance floor, a large pool, a tennis court, and three acres of "gorgeously landscaped grounds" that can be had for $100,000 a month for July or August.

Mr. Newbold is trying to rent a five-bedroom converted coach house with pool and guest house on Terbell Lane in East Hampton Village, overlooking Hook Pond and the ocean dunes. The asking price is $125,000 for the season.

Prices are lower in Montauk, where Mr. Keeshan said oceanfront houses are available for the season for $40,000, houses with a view of Block Island Sound can be rented for $10,000, and houses in the village are listed for $6,500 for the season.

Harbor And Haven

Some areas are doing better than others, brokers said.

"Amagansett rentals are very strong, as they always are, because it is one of the few places that affords people the ability to walk to the village and bike to the beach," said Huck Esposito of Blue Bay Realty.

Unlike in other hamlets, "the inventory has actually gone down because so many renters have turned into buyers," he said.

Sag Harbor and North Haven have also enjoyed a boom. Arlene Ball of Allan Schneider said the firm had doubled its staff in its Sag Harbor office, to 15 agents. "That's a lot of people for a little village," she said. "But more and more people are coming here because they want to get away from what's going on in the rest of the Hamptons."

Prices have risen in the area, she added. "We rented something in North Haven for $200,000 for the season," she said. "That's pretty fabulous." "Nice houses" in Sag Harbor Village have fetched up to $40,000 for the summer.

Stuck In The Middle

Mr. Newbold said he was not concerned about the high end of the market, "which is typically not done until the last minute," but he and other brokers said property owners in the middle may have trouble renting.

"Many people got wind of the fact that there was a lot of money that could be made by renting their house," said Mr. Epstein. "As a result, there is a glut of inventory."

"The properties that are the hardest to rent are the basic three-bedroom, two-bath with pool on an acre in Northwest and Springs, because there is so much competition."

Inflation is also hurting rentals. "Going back five or six years, a $25,000 summer rental was something special," said Ms. Saatchi. "Now you would have to spend $35,000 to $38,000 to get that same house."

Choking Up

"Last year was a good rental season, and people did raise their prices," agreed Mr. Newbold. "There comes a choke point when people say, 'This is a lovely house, but. . . .' "

Many of those people are either waiting around for a better deal or renting for a month only. "If your income has not gone up and the price of a house has gone up, the alternative is to spend less time here or do a share," said Ms. Saatchi.

"A lot of people, to save money, will say, 'Let's treat ourselves to a special house for a month,' " said Mr. Newbold.

The "pool of rentals gets bigger every year," Mr. Newbold remarked. Often, people who formerly rented will build their own house and "rent it the first year to try to replenish their bank account," he said.

Renters Become Buyers

Even though it generally works out costing less to rent than to buy, according to Mr. Epstein, some people "when viewing escalating rents years after year say, 'Enough of this, I'm buying.' "

With the Memorial Day weekend just a month away, brokers still are taking a wait-and-see attitude.

"I'm curious to see whether we're going to get a mad rush the next two or three weeks," said Mr. Esposito.

"We're waiting for the other shoe to drop," said Ms. Saatchi.

AMAGANSETT

Baldwin 3d to Joyce Parcher, Old Montauk Highway, $535,000.

BRIDGEHAMPTON

Bridge Bldg. Co. Inc. to Michael McGuckin and Debra Perry, Woodruff Lane, $340,000.

Green River L.P. to Scuttlehole Prop. L.L.C., Casey Lane, $157,500.

Bruan to Mary Vassel, Job's Lane, $545,000.

EAST HAMPTON

Kantor to Arnold and Zillah Hauser, Huckleberry Lane, $450,000.

Lang to Kathryn Staley, Briar Patch Road, $1,725,000.

Chester to Jon Grossman, Cove Hollow Road, $220,000.

Yelton (trustee) to Gerald and Georgia Curatola, Georgica Close Road, $360,000.

MONTAUK

Rendezvous Realty Corp. to Rendezvous Montauk L.L.C., West Lake Drive, $360,500.

Goicoechea estate to Albert and Anna Crecco, Soundview Drive, $217,000.

Gallaher to Scott Somerville, Tara Road, $503,000.

Baldrian to Ronald and Barbara DiPietro, Benson Drive, $164,000.

NORTH HAVEN

Brine to Rjeev and Christine Joshi, Stock Farm Lane, $380,000.

NORTHWEST

Achuthman to T.J. Calabrese, Old Northwest Road, $167,500.

SAG HARBOR

Rosen to Tom Cahill, Brick Kiln Road, $235,000.

O'Brien to Frank Santoro, Atlantic Avenue, $170,000.

SAGAPONACK

Sagg Fields Dev. Corp. to Sam Linder, Farm Court, $302,500.

Shanholt to William and Marti Murray, Herb Court, $1,090,000.

Colvin to Rosemarie Arnold, Holden Court, $375,000.

WATER MILL

Brennan estate to Howard Sobel, Brennans Moor, $700,000.

Verity to Vincent Pascal, Seven Ponds Towd Road, $322,500.

Squires to Joseph DiMenna, private road off Water Mill Towd Road, $550,000.

The odor of fried onions emanating from the back door of the Palm restaurant, the "dust bowl" created by its unpaved parking area, and what neighbors say is inadequate screening around the Huntting Inn have plagued Irene Krone, Elizabeth (Peggy) Watson, and other Huntting Lane residents for almost 15 years.

They aired their concerns once again at an April 16 East Hampton Village Design Review Board meeting held to consider a new proposal to landscape the property and resurface a portion of its parking area with bluestone.

The discussion of what residents said were the property's thinning privets and aging fences led Mrs. Watson to the subject of the restaurant's "horrible odors," which, she said, come to her attention especially on hot summer days when the kitchen's back door is open.

"All they have to do is give up frying in old oil," she suggested.

"Signature Dish"

Linda Calder, innkeeper of the Palm, said fried onions were "one of our signature dishes."

"I can't have anyone to my house for lunch" because of the smells, Mrs. Watson complained.

Ms. Calder said the Palm had "tried to duct up" the kitchen aromas. Stephen A. Grossman, the inn's attorney, said it had no control over the direction of the wind.

New Landscaping

Richard Kalbacher, a Springs landscaper, wanted quick approval for his plan to put in a new stockade fence and additional cypress trees, and to direct a spotlight downward in an elm tree. "We don't want to miss the planting season," he said.

Citing a "long history of problems with this site," Carolyn Preische, the board's chairwoman, appointed a committee of D.R.B. members - Ina Garten, Clayton Morey, and herself - to review the plan and meet with the neighbors.

"The dust bowl is getting to all of us," Mrs. Krone reminded those gathered.

Funeral Parlor

In other action last week, the D.R.B. said the Yardley and Pino Funeral Home can proceed with the conversion of the East Hampton Medical Group building on Pantigo Road into a funeral parlor.

The board asked only that the owners provide exact figures on the proposed seating capacity for two chapels and the building's gross floor area.

The project now goes to the Zoning Board of Appeals for a special permit to alter the use of the property.

Americans are in love with their dogs. We lavish upon them the best foods, medical care, grooming, and attention that we can afford. Books about the "hidden" lives of dogs hit the best-seller's list and films that feature anywhere from one to 101 dogs are blockbuster hits. There is, however, a darker side to this infatuation.

"A dog is not 'almost human,' and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such," stated the American poet John Holmes. Though most local animal care professionals do not take such a misanthropic tone, they all agree with Holmes's general thesis: A dog is not a human, it is a dog and should be treated as such.

Attributing human characteristics to animals is called anthropomorphizing. "We all anthropomorphize our dogs to some extent," says Can Gebbia, an East End dog trainer. We are, of course, only human and can only interpret our animals' behavior through our own emotional experience.

No Equality Here

But when our emotions blind us to a dog's natural behavioral patterns the resulting confusion can lead to behavioral problems, none of which is fun (at least not for the human side of the equation) and many of which can be extremely dangerous.

Liberty, equality, and democracy are wonderful concepts (and we can only hope that one day they will hold sway in human society), but they are not a part of canine pyschology. "In the wild, dogs lead a very structured life," says Mr. Gebbia. "The 'alpha'is the leader of the pack. They set up their domination in a very simple way . . . using intimidation. When you allow a pet into your home, a pecking order must be established. If you don't assume the alpha role, your dog will."

Mr. Gebbia, host of Channel 27's "Pets and People, People and Pets," has been training dogs on the East End for 17 years and has seen a great increase in the tendency of owners to over anthropomorphize their pets. On occasion, he has observed this misinterpretation of basic dog psychology lead to behavioral problems so severe that owners were faced with the heartbreak of getting rid of their dogs.

Why Listen?

Matthew Postnick, an East Hampton dog trainer, concurs: "The most overwhelming problem I see is people who pamper and placate their dogs. They call me because the dog doesn't listen to them, but they've never required the dog to listen to them."

Mr. Postnick deplores the recent trend toward humanizing animals, saying, with some despair, "More and more, people are tending to humanize the whole natural world!"

Misinterpreting dog behavior can lead to confusion about physical care. "I see it all the time. Someone goes to pick up their dog and it growls at them. They bring it into the hospital, saying, 'There must be something wrong with his back.' But there is nothing physically wrong with the dog. It's just asserting its dominance and saying, 'Get away from me!' " relates Dr. Barry Browning of the South Fork Animal Hospital.

Show 'Em Who's Boss

How to avoid creating a bossy dog? Become a "Rules Owner," advise the experts.

Retain a psychological edge over your dog by doing the following: Always eat your own meal before you give your dog his, restrict access to your bedroom and furniture (particularly your bed), if your dog is in your way, make him move out of it, always be the first through the door, always greet your guests and visitors before your dog does, take stolen articles and food away from your dog, call your dog to you to give affection, discourage pawing, whining, and nudging, initially ignore your dog when you come home, have the dog perform a "down stay" at least once a day, and initiate games with your dog and win them.

Both Mr. Gebbia and Mr. Postnick observed that the large dogs of the working breeds tend to require this tough love approach. "They are loving, yet large, powerful, self-willed dogs. Many of these strong traits evolved temperaments that require firm handling," says Mr. Gebbia.

Read Up On Breeds

Obedience training is in order. Not only to give the owner the upper hand but also to give the dog something to do. "These dogs have been bred for thousands of years to perform work. But their job has changed drastically . . . now dogs are required to be just pals. Not putting them to work leads to frustration in dogs. Owners should put the dog to work," Mr. Postnick says.

Prospective dog owners who find all this tough love a bit much should think twice about acquiring a working breed and consider instead one of the less challenging, willful breeds. Collies, Shetland sheepdogs, standard poodles, and the retriever breeds are usually more tractable and a better choice for the novice dog owner than working breeds, advises Mr. Gebbia.

To find out the handling requirements of the breed of choice some research is in order. "Read, read, read about the breed," advises Jeanette Friscia of Southampton, who has been training dogs on the East End for 15 years.

Terrier-Terrorists

And don't judge a book by its cover. Terriers are a good example of how misleading appearances can be. "Many people get terriers because they're cute and small. People imagine how cute the dog will look sitting on a cushion. But, though terriers are small in stature, there's a big dog inside them," Ms. Friscia says.

Bred for centuries to hunt vermin, terriers are extremely lively, willful, and courageous little creatures who, for the most part, require firm, knowledgeable handling lest the terrier turn terrorist.

The foundations of all good relationships are built on love and respect. With most dogs love for their humans is pretty much guaranteed, but with many dogs respect has to be gotten the old-fashioned way . . . the owner has to earn it.

What's so great about wetlands? Why do piping plovers build their nests on the beach? What is brown tide? How deep is Three Mile Harbor? Would a fish from the bay survive if it swam into a creek? How can you plant things that make the dunes stronger? What are the rules for operating a boat in the harbor?

Curious queries like these may soon be answered at a new center for environmental education, proposed for the site of the old Cox's Fishing Station near the mouth of Three Mile Harbor. East Hampton Town owns the property.

The center would be run jointly by the Natural Resources Department and the Parks and Recreation Department and would be the first of its kind in East Hampton, a place where the town's marine habitats and unique environment could be both celebrated and studied.

Water, Water All Around

"It's a perfect spot," said Town Councilman Len Bernard. Last week he introduced a resolution requesting the two town departments to work together on a plan for the center and additional uses of the parcel.

The idea has been discussed before, but not until the town purchased the fishing station at the mouth of the harbor from Harry Macklowe in 1995 did the plans begin to coalesce.

"We never really had such a wonderful location before," said Larry Penny, director of the Natural Resources Department.

Mr. Penny offered an ecological inventory of the property and surrounding area. The long-unused fishing station is on a sandy spit of land that is now part of Maidstone Park. It faces a small cove, known as Folkstone Cove, and contains wetlands, small creeks, and a channel, creating a range of marine environments and water types.

Piping plovers nest nearby in Maidstone Park.

Focus On Environment

The town spends "a lot of money on the environment and it's one of the things that attracts people to come here, but there's no place for people to come to learn about it," Mr. Bernard said this week.

Mr. Penny, Ken Scott, the director of the Parks Department, and private citizens who have been pushing the town to build such a center have no shortage of ideas for how the site might be improved. The old fishing station has not been used since the late 1970s and is in dire need of renovation.

Something For Everyone

Mr. Penny envisions a one-story building with a classroom, a "show and tell" area, live tanks for indigenous fish and invertebrates, and a lab.

The center might also be used for water-quality testing and aquaculture. It might include a concession for snacks and beverages, too.

Young people could press algae or measure and identify fish species. Biology teachers could take their classes to the center to do seining, and the town might offer workshops there in marine plantings for people who want to stabilize the dunes.

Some of the water quality testing and research now done at the offices of the Natural Resources Department could be moved to the Three Mile Harbor site.

Hands-On Activities

Mr. Scott and Mr. Penny have talked about running a summer program for children at the site, centering on the local environment and offering boating, marine collecting, and field trips. The spot would also be ideal for boating safety classes, both for adults and children.

Councilman Bernard sees a lot of hands-on activities at the center. Not only would children study models, maps, and charts of Three Mile Harbor and other marine habitats, they could take their education outside to see those habitats flourishing.

If the center becomes a reality the Trustees and the East Hampton Town Baymen's Association might hold their meetings there. Baymen might be called upon to give classes in bay fishing or the like to beginning mariners.

The center would also be open for programs of such groups as the South Fork Natural History Society, the Group for the South Fork, and the Nature Conservancy.

With a sizable wish list in mind, the task at hand is to draw up a plan showing exactly how the center will be used and managed, what the building and docks will look like, and how it will be funded. Money might come from foundations, private donors, and state or Federal grants, as well as town funds, Mr. Penny said.

He and Mr. Scott have been charged with putting together the nuts and bolts. They will consult with Richard Mendelman, the owner of the Three Mile Harbor Marina, Ross Perchik, an architect, and Rameshwar Das, the chairman of the Waterfront Advisory Committee, as well as the Town Board, the Trustees, the Planning and Highway Departments, the town's attorney and engineer, and the harbormasters.

By mid-June, it is hoped, a master plan will be ready. With the necessary funding, Mr. Penny hopes renovations can begin next year and that the center might open in 1998 or the year after.

Something's Wrong

East Hampton

April 17, 1997

Dear Mrs. Rattray:

Something's wrong there.

As we finally sense summer's approach, we look forward to the appearance of flowers, greenery, and this season's crop of village "brownies." When these summer Police Department personnel are in evidence, marking tires and writing parking tickets, and otherwise assisting our beloved tourists, we know that our favorite season has arrived.

One fine Saturday last summer, I foolishly ventured into the village to patronize my favorite hardware store, found my favorite parking lot full, and then proceeded to my favorite secret parking lot. Others had discovered my secret, so on I drove to the last resort.

I entered Park Place but then saw, two cars ahead of me, a stopped automobile, with the driver apparently waiting for the person who was entering a car parked at the side of the A&P to leave. The problem was that the person waiting was blocking the car ready to back out of the space, and since there were now four cars waiting to enter the lot, the person waiting could not back up, and could only go forward, to allow the other person to leave.

Since the waiting party simply waited, unable to back up, and obviously unwilling to go forward, no doubt expecting the leaving party either to pass over or through another car, I could tell that this was a tourist, or, worse, a day-tripper, because a "regular," or even a "native," would not have done such a thing. Ever.

Now, watching as the traffic (with me, alas) backed up and began blocking Newtown Lane, was one "brownie," while another nearby was carefully chalking tires. It must have been a wondrous sight to behold because both young people seemed enthralled with the sight of traffic now snarled, as if it were gridlock in Manhattan. One continued to mark tires between pauses to observe the spectacle, while the other watched, uninterrupted by any other duties.

Only after one intelligent motorist (it was not me) emerged from his vehicle and suggested to the culprit who started all this that she attempt to find another spot so that the entire East End could return to its normal frenetic state did the problem begin to abate, as she heeded the suggestion. (If I were she, I probably would have insisted that the 200 cars behind me back up and get out of my way.)

Perhaps those who are in charge of such things can arrange to have the seasonal keepers of law and order be a bit less assiduous in marking tires, writing parking tickets, hanging around looking handsome, and guiding the misguided, and provide some training in the fine art of assisting the flow of traffic, moving the double parkers, and unsnarling the snarls.

If "brownies" are hired only to enforce parking regulations, or to stand around and wait for a tourist to ask directions, then something's wrong here.

Definitely.

CALVIN SILVERMAN

Redeye Gaper

Washington, D.C.

April 21, 1997

Dear Mrs. Rattray:

The East Hampton Star's continued interest in ichthyology delights me! I had fallen behind in reading The Star and have only just come across the photo of the unidentified fish in the April 10 issue. A couple of your readers have come very close to a correct response, since the fish is both an "angler" and is closely related to the "goosefish."

It tricked a few of us at the museum at first glance because it resembles a type of bottom-dwelling fish called a stargazer. (You may recall I wrote to you about stargazers in 1994 after another "mystery fish" was featured.) However, the distinctive sensory canals on the head and body, so clearly visible in the photograph, are the features that reveal the fish's true identify.

The fish illustrated belongs to the family Chaunacidae, commonly known as chaunacid anglerfishes. It is a member of the order Lophiiformes, which also contains the family Lophiidae, or goosefishes, of which "monkfish" is a common commercially used species. Two characters that help to distinguish chaunacids from other fishes are the prominent open sensory canals that extend from the snout region of the head backward along the body, as depicted in the photograph, and the bright orange coloration.

The specimen in question is, most likely, the species Chaunax stigmaeus, or the redeye gaper. It is the only chaunacid known from Georges Bank, is a rare species, and is documented scientifically by relatively few specimens. Other species of Chaunax are not likely contenders since they are not known to occur this far north. A related species, Bathychaunax roseus (less likely judging by the photograph), occurs at greater depths (1,023-2,200 meters rather than 90-699 meters, the depth at which C. stigmaeus occurs) and has a more southerly range (circa 20 degrees north to 39.5 degrees north versus 36 degrees north to 40 degrees north).

Confirmation of the species identification, however, can only be done with the specimen in hand. If the specimen was frozen and is available for donation, I'd love to acquire it for our preserved specimen research collection, since we do not have any specimens of this species in our holdings of approximately eight million fishes!

Chaunacids are not well known and are rarely encountered. They are bottom-dwelling anglerfishes that occur in all but polar seas at depths ranging from 90 to over 2,000 meters. Prominent characteristics include the large globose head with a conspicuous network of open sensory canals that continue backward along the trunk as a single open lateral-line canal (part of the sensory system common to most fishes, but structured quite differently in these fish), an angling apparatus on the head, the pink, red, or orange live coloration, the loose, flaccid skin that is covered with minute, spine-like scales, the large up-turned mouth, the large, paddle-like pectoral fins situated far back on the sides of the body, and small, circular gill openings that are above and just behind the pectoral fins.

A number of deepwater fishes use an angling device (or illicium) to lure prey. Although I can't distinguish the illicium in the photograph of this fish, it should be found on the middle of the head between the eyes (it may be retracted into an oblong depression). The illicium in chaunacids is very short and has a terminal bait (or esca) comprised of a dense cluster of small finger-like projections, giving the apparatus the appearance of a short-handled mop.

Scientific records of the live coloration of chaunacids are virtually nonexistent. For this reason, I'm interested to know if the photograph is in color and if it was taken when the fish was still alive or shortly after it died. I am also very interested in knowing the depth at which it was caught and if the specimen still exists. If so, we would very much like to have it for the national fish collection. If the fish is available for donation, please contact me at 202-357-3300 or by e-mail at [email protected].

I'd like to take this opportunity to compliment The Star on a recent excellent article on eels by Larry Penny. It was accurate and well written, and our resident eel expert, Dr. David G. Smith (referenced in the article), was quite impressed by it. Thanks for your efforts to educate your readership about the world of fishes. My own wonderful experiences poking around the salt marshes and beaches of Three Mile Harbor when I was young (an activity I continue to this day, while on vacation visiting my parents) are what inspired me to my present calling.

I'm sure the delightful exposure to the biological world, readily available to residents of East Hampton, enhanced by the fine nature writings in The Star, continue to inspire young and old alike and, hopefully, will translate into preservation of East Hampton's treasured natural resources for future generations to enjoy.

Sincerely yours,

SUSAN L. JEWETT

Collection Manager

Division of Fishes

National Museum of Natural History

Smithsonian Institution

Better Way

Amagansett

April 19, 1997

Dear Helen:

A number of people have called me to ask if there is not a better way for the town to deal with compostable waste than having residents empty out their plastic bags at the recycling center. This messy and offensive method has deterred many from participating in the program.

If the town feels unable, for some reason, to deal with plastic bags, there are two alternatives.

1. There are now on the market several practical and truly compostable plastic bags. These are made from relatively new biopolymers that, in the compost environment, break down to harmless carbon dioxide and water. Be aware, however, that there are also so-called compostable bags that contain polyethylene; these bags do not totally break down despite the claims of their manufacturers. I would refer anyone interested in more details to my cover story on this subject in the February 1997 issue of Biocycle magazine.

2. There are also available compostable paper sacks, lined with water-resistant, but compostable, film made from vegetable starch. These bags are strong and practical, but they are a little more expensive than the compostable plastics.

There is a commercial opportunity here for an entrepreneur to wholesale these bags to local stores. Of course, it would make the most sense for the town itself to do this, but I am afraid that common sense solutions do not seem to have much appeal to those now in control.

Some of my callers have even suggested that deterring participation in the composting program may, indeed, be the objective of those calling the shots. Surely this cannot be true? Can it?

Sincerely,

PETER GARNHAM

Fair Is Fair

East Hampton

April 22, 1997

Dear Editor:

A note about Take Our Daughters to Work Day, which takes place today.

A number of years ago, the Ms. Foundation began what has become a nationwide effort to inspire young girls to aim for careers in any field they so desire. Because of the huge success of this effort many men's groups have started to complain that we are not paying attention to young boys. For as long as this day has been around, antifeminists - particularly some in the so-called "father's rights" movement - have complained that the project discriminates against young men.

Of course, this is a classic tactic. Every time a program is developed to level the playing field for women, some men (who are used to having the game rigged in their favor) scream foul. But this year, instead of arguing, we suggest that these guys take "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" and take their sons home and teach them how to clean toilets, scrub floors, launder clothes, and pick up after the other family members. After all, fair is fair.

MARILYN FITTERMAN

Past President

National Organization for Women New York State

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