“You won’t have to vote any more.”
— Donald Trump
Scientists have discovered a new pill that will do away with both toothpaste and toothbrushes. If the Ozempic-like medication is taken once, you will no longer have to do a lot of other things either, one of which is shaving — on the face for men and on the legs and underarms for women.
Scientists have found that other iterations of the drug will remove all pubic hair, making the increasingly ubiquitous Brazilian-waxing salon a thing of the past (no, that’s not an example of planned obsolescence).
Naturally the finding will grow the G.N.P. America will be made great again, and UMPH, Useable Manpower Hours, will increase as the work force gets out of their houses faster.
How a single pill produces so many advantageous results is the subject of Bob Woodward’s forthcoming book, “Diplomacy for Dummies.”
The molecular structure of the new medication is reputedly close to that of SSRIs like Prozac and Celexa. Placebo tests and double-blind studies are being conducted by Moderna and Pfizer, the two major producers of Covid vaccines, to determine how a little white pill can create a condition where one pill will possibly herald the end of human agency.
President Trump has commented that “these are all great people, they’re all my friends,” but major leaders from Viktor Orban to Kim Jong-un, Xi Jinping, and Vladimir Putin have greenlighted the drug, which is an opioid in reverse, creating freedom, efficiency, and mental balance all at once.
In the history of mankind, human beings have been looking for a cure. Viagra began as a treatment for angina. Patients with heart conditions started to get erections. Who would have thought that tooth decay and pubic hair had something in common?
“I won’t have any more patients,” said Dr. Justin Shapiro, a dentist on Central Park West. “But the whole office will be happier and more effective. My hygienist may become obsolete, but she will also get more done.”
R.F.K. Jr., who is a longtime opponent of toothpaste as well as vaccines, has hailed the new drug. “Cavities will be eliminated, along with processed food like baloney,” he commented. “It’s a little like bleach and hydroxychloroquine.”
What was life like before man discovered fire and then tools? The current finding could have an equivalent effect on civilization.
“Imagine a world free of depression, hypertension, asthma, psychosis, and mourning,” said Jill Stein, the unsuccessful Green Light Party presidential candidate, who has been successful in having a negative effect on Democratic majorities.
“Imagine a world free of racism and the huge income inequality we now suffer from. Imagine something that could cure all these ills with a little white pill. Fetishes will go the way of the typewriter and cursive writing. There will be no need for behaviors which are essentially what the psychoanalyst Charles Brenner termed ‘compromise formations.’ Freud, Marx, capitalism, communism, anarchy, and socialism will all be eradicated. People will no longer need to procreate, and there will no longer be a painful birthing process. The pill will take the place of the old ‘pill’ and Make America Great Again! Whoops, wrong locution, sorry.”
The only real problem has been housing. Your typical plastic container is an inappropriate environment for a one-time dose. Yet simply leaving a pill nakedly on the counter could result in another subprime mortgage crisis.
And who’s going to monitor the regimen for a miracle drug taken in a quantity of one on a one-time basis? Where is the money in that? Where’s the beef?
Francis Levy is the author of “The Kafka Studies Department,” a collection of short stories with illustrations by Hallie Cohen. He lives in Wainscott and Manhattan.